HOW WILL 2013 BE DIFFERENT?

Here we are, a little more than two weeks into 2013. So far, nothing major has happened in my little world. A cold kept me down most of last week, but I can't allow that to be my complete excuse.

I have a lot of things on my "to do" list for 2013. So, how will 2013 be different than the past? I have to dig deeply and find a focus. I have to make myself do things I'm more apt to put off. Studying for the MAT cannot wait, piano cannot wait, my finances cannot wait. My fitness routine cannot wait. Not only can these areas of my life not wait, I can no longer afford to allow them to wait. The time is now, and the need is great. Travel with me, if you will, as I outline my plan. A senior manager at a company I once worked for always said "To plan the work, and work the plan." It's now imperative that I take that maxim and fully integrate it into my life.

Grad School: I want to teach. That's the only childhood dream I have not fulfilled. My goal is to take the entrance exam this spring to be ready to begin an alternative master's in education this fall. My goal is to focus on English education with an emphasis in grammar and composition (language arts). To do this, I must focus on studying my preparation manual. I'm certain that just incorporating a few minutes a day will be helpful, and on days when I am able, making the most of my time and spending as much time studying as possible is something on which I must now diligently focus.

Piano: While playing the piano is my biggest passion in life, I must admit that practicing is not always my favorite thing to do. Yet, when I am focused on it, the results are quite remarkable. I'll admit, I am doing better in this area since the beginning of the year. I've spent time doing basic some exercises to strengthen my fingers as well as revisiting some old repertorire and looking at a few new pieces. I have a wedding I'm playing for in a few months, and I want to be on the top of my game for this event. At this point I'm attempting to practice at least 30 minutes a day. Usually when I actually DO sit down and practice, I exceed that time frame. Amazing how doing something you WANT to be doing can have such a positive result.

Finances: While I don't have mountains of debt, I have more than I am comfortable with. I want to do all I can to eliminate as much debt as possible in as little time as possible. While I'd love a sugar daddy to come along and say "Ok, I'll take care of all of that for you." I know realistically, that ain't about to happen. As in most areas of my life, when I give it my focus, I achieve great results. I will be sitting down in the next few days and doing the difficult task of looking at finances and creating a budget (something I actually enjoy doing) and then proceed with creating a plan towards financial peace, or some semblance thereof.

Gym: Oh, the gym. I must admit my love/hate relationship with this most necessary of places. Getting there is the hard part. With my wacked up work schedule, I have trouble getting up in the morning to go to the gym on a regular basis. It seems no matter how hard I try, getting to the gym is just not an easy task for me in the mornings I enjoyed the routine when I worked a regular 8-5 shift, it was easy to go on the way home from work. Now, working a schedule where I get off work at 9:00 gives me no time to work out. At most, I have 30 minutes by the time I get to the gym if I go after work, because the gym closes at 10:00. Certainly there are other options, like doing things at home, finding a 24 hour gym, and so on, but I like where I go, it's just the showing up. That is, after all, half the battle. Lately, I haven't even had the energy or motivation to go to yoga on Sunday afternoons. That has to change. It's time to create a plan of attack.

Here's my confession: Now I know what I need to do, it's just up to me to actually sit down and do the things that HAVE to be done. Nothing is going to just magically happen. It's going to take effort-a lot of effort in some cases-on my part to make things happen. I'll hopefully be able to use this blog, these confessions to keep me on track and honest. I do know that when I put my mind into something I can succeed. So, academically, musically, fiancially and healthily the plan and decisions lie in the hands of one person. Me. I'm the one in the driver's seat. I'm the one in control. These aren't so much "resolutions" as hey are 'new year's goals". That sounds a lot more attainable and doesn't seem as likely to set up myself for failure.
So, I started out with the question "How will 2013 be different?" The answer: 2013 will be different because I will be different. I'm the man in the mirror asking himself to change his ways for the better. 2013, get ready. Two weeks have passed, but we can make up the time. With my focus and your kindness, we can make a difference. Partners? Why, yes. Yes, indeed.

GRATITUDE 01.11.13

As the second week of the year comes to a close, I pause tonight to reflect on the week that was. This is one of my favorite things about my blog, as it gives me the opportunity to stop and express gratitude for all the people and things in my life.

This has not been the greatest week. I've been sick with a cold, but I am grateful that I am doing better and on the mend. I'm grateful that in one week of launching this blog, I've had such an great response and support. I've had more page views in this one week of my blog than in the nearly five years I kept my previous blog. That's amazing to me.

Some of my greatest moments this week have been conversations I've had with friends via text messages. Yesterday, I had two different friends texting me about situations in their lives. Their confidence to share things with me is a deeply incredible feeling. While I attempted to counsel one friend earlier in the day, a later conversation turned into a counseling session for me with another friend. It's amazing to me how well my friends know me, even if we don't spend a great deal of time together in person. When someone can tell you things aboout yourself that you didn't think anyone else knew, but they know because they have listened and observed me, that is impressive. I am so grateful for the gift of friendship, the gift of love, the gift of sharing.

On Wednesday, I wrote of needing to clean. I had spent most of the day cleaning the house. To most, that is a mundane task, but to me it is cathartic in many ways. I've managed for a couple of days to keep the house clean and uncluttered. That always makes me happy. There is nothing like coming home to a clean house. It is a peaceful, tranquil experience.

Here's my confession: I am grateful for the small things in my life. I'm grateful for a heartfelt email I received yesterday from a friend who has read both this blog and my previous blog. He shared some very interesting insight with me, and it means a lot to me. I am not exactly where I want to be in life. I have dreams and fears. Each day is the same old dull routine, but thank God for it. While I may lack in some areas of my life, I'm more than blessed in many others. I have people who care about me. I have people who support me and cheer me on. I'm grateful for your time that you take to read my writing. Thank You.

ELIMINATING CLUTTER

Thoughts have been swirling around in this head of mine all day long. Nothing specific, just lots of little things. Maybe it is because today was my off day and I am also on the mend from a cold. I don't know. Something has seemed different today. I've felt such a need to declutter today. While I got the house de-Christmased, completed a few loads of laundy and the house is generally in order, I do still feel a need to clean out closets, eliminate the unnecessary, and free up a lot of space. Yet, on a deeper level, this need to "de-clutter" goes far deeper than cleaning out closets and tidying up the house. It delves into a need to de-clutter emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I've always been a firm believer that to have clutter surrounding is to have clutter within.

If I'm being completely honest, the last few years of my life, while they have afforded me tremendous amounts of personal growth, independence and experiences, have not come without a certain share of sadness, disappointment and a test of my strength. When I look at where I was five years ago and where I am today, it seems like a world of difference. I was less than a year into a new house with I had (perhaps) foolishly perchased with my ex, Parker, and was only a couple of weeks away from what would be our inevitible break-up. I had a decent job, a nice new house and, for all intents and purposes, was alone. Back then I was so fiercely co-dependent on Parker for everything that there were no social outlets. Looking back, we were the epitome of a dysfunctional relationship.

As time went on, I became involved in the local Men's Chorus, developed many friendshps through my involvement with that organization, and I gained a great deal of independence which I had never before experienced, or perhaps allowed myself to experience. Yet, personally, the world was crashing around me. We ended up letting the house go. Within a few months of moving out of the house, I lost the job I had held for nearly twelve years. I was fortunate to find a job as a contract employee for a bank through a staffing agency a few months after I left my previous company (and was subsequently awarded a settlement). It was one of the most rewarding times I've ever had professionally. That position lasted 20 wonderful months. I've had a few relationships along the way, but nothing long-term. Looking back, it seems like one big disappointment after another.

And so, here we are today. I have a job. That's all it is to me. I have several really wonderful friends who Iove me in spite of myself. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive and two felines who depend on me. I don't have a lot of money in the bank and I live basically paycheck to paycheck. Not exactly living the proverbial "American Dream".

Here's my confession: Sometimes I feel alone, stuck and in a quagmire out of which I'll never be able to climb. But the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful support system of friends near and far. While it isn't always the easiest path to take, I do try to look on the positive side of life, and to spead that positivity to others. I have dreams, I have independence, and I have more people than probably even know cheering for me on the sidelines. The truth of the matter is that I can't allow myself to be defined by the "junk" in the past. I have to persevere, and set forth on a trail which may or may not already be there. If the path is already there, I shall forge on. If not, I shall create a new path as I endeavor to make each new day better than the last, to eliminate a little bit more of my mind clutter each day as I make room for better days, better experiences and a better life. I'm not so certain that I would have things any other way, because every adversity that has been set before me, especially in the last five years, has created immesurable opportunities for growth in all the areas of my life that are most important, and that is a gift that is greater than any amount of money can buy.

WHEN...THEN...

Procrastination. Who among us is not guilty of this nasty word? We think "When I do this...I'll do that." How long can we do this? In perpetuality? Hopefully not. There are a lot of things I do in my life, and I think "Yeah, when I get this done, then, I'll be ready to do that." This has been on my mind a lot lately as I look over the direction of my life. When I started college a little over 20 years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. It was what I had always wanted to be---a school teacher. I realized a couple of years into my program that Music Education was not the route for me. So, I decided to complete my music degree with a Bachelor of Arts in Vocal Performance and be done with it. And, so I did. Now as I knock on the back door of 40, I ponder what I really want from life.. What will make me happy? What will keep me from playing the "When...Then" game?

It is not just in my professional life that that nasty procrastination rears its ugly head. It is in my approach to how I ive my life, and it's not always a positive thing. Yesterday, I came home from work early because I wasn't feeling well. However, knowing how my body and mind operate, I knew that I had to vacuum and tidy up the house before I would ever be able to rest. Half-way joking, but knowing that I was halfway serious, I sent a friend a text and said "I suppose if I were on my death bed, I'd want to clean the house before I could die and rest in peace." He agreed that he would be the exact same way. Sometimes, I think "I have to get my house cleaed and when I have done that, I can pay the bills." or "When I have gotten this or that or the other finished...I can begin studying for this...or practice piano or a myriad of other things." I guess that's just how my brain operates. Am I happy about it? Certainly not, but it's how I work. I have to quell the voices of negativity in my own head and allow myself to follow my bliss...

My big goal for 2013 is to go to back to school. It's time to give that goal I had as a child, that goal I had 20 years ago, a chance to come to fruition. It's time to try out being a teacher. My subject of choice is English Composition. That's an ambitious goal for a nearly 40 year man without a lot of money, without a clear direction, without a job that I even remotely enjoy. But somehow, that stirring, that nagging in my soul, has to win out. I have to give this a try. It may be someting that I enjoy beyond my imagination or it may end up being something I loathe with every fibre of my being. But the journey of a thousand steps with one single step.

Here is my confession: I believe that if I can just sit down, and find a way to still the voice in my mind, a way to relinquish doubt, to really manage my time efficienty to study for the grad school exam, I'll be well on my road. THIS has to be my year. I can't put it off any longer. I'll never know unless I try and I'll never try unless I just get up and do it. I have the support of so many wonderful friends. Some say "go for it!" Others shake their heads and go "Um, ok..." But this is about me, it's about my life and it's about following my dreams. The time is now, and the need is great. So, WHEN I get off my butt, study for the MAT, apply to school and get the financial aid I need..THEN I will be well on the path I need to follow." It will certainly take a lot of courage, prayer and juggling, but I believe in the end, I'll find my true calling. I'm excited about where this journey could take me.

GRATITUDE 01.04.13

I can't think of a better way to start my new blog than with a carry over from my previous blog, and that is my weekly gratitude post.

As we begin a new year, I do so mindful that while things are not always as I would like them, that I am incredibly blessed to have a lot of people in and around my life who love me, support me and care about me. I often feel stuck in a rut of a job that is lackluster, and a life that, well, to be honest, is not the life I would have dreamed.

I'm grateful as I look back over the last five years that I can see where I have grown in independence, a sense of self, and, in an important aspect to me, musically. My childhood goal was to be a church musician. That is a goal I realized a little over six years ago. Each year my skills grow and I force myself into more complicated music. I'm grateful for that opportunity in my life, for if I am proud of anything in my life, it is my music. Each week at the piano is a supreme joy for me.

As I reflect back over the last week to express gratitude, I am thankful for dinner I had with a dear friend on Sunday night. We don't often get the opportunity to have dinner one on one and it was quite a refreshing treat. I had a great evening on New Year's Eve, met a new friend and ushered in the new year surrounded by several of my closest friends. I'm thankful for conversations with several friends this week.

Here's my confession: I don't believe it takes a new year to be able to make resolutions. It's certainly a great benchmark, but quite honestly, I try to set a new "focus" each month. I'm grateful that I have a lot of love and support in my life. Of all the important "things" in my life, gratitude, and the expression thereof, is what is one of the most important to me. People like to know they are making a difference in your life. My goal for the year is to express gratitude by living a life of gratitude. That said, I am grateful for you, my friends. You make me see the good that often gets clouded by the muck of the daily grind.