KYRIE ELISION

"Lord, Have Mercy" that's my prayer.   As I embark on this "September Journey", I look at roads that are familiar to me, roads that are unfamiliar and roads with which I need to reacquaint myself.   Life has a way of changing on us, usually at the time we least expect it. 

I had an experience recently in which I was challenged to confront one of my biggest fears.   I approached it with some anxiety, some fear, but in the end, with relief.  The experience changed me.  My stubbornness and hard-heartedness began chipping away.  I was forced by circumstance to let go of my own pettiness and do what was necessary.  

Here's my confession:  I had played the day over and over in my mind for eight years, and the reality of the situation was nothing like the movie in my mind.  A chapter closed.   A door has been opened.  The remainder of the story has yet to be written.  I believe the story will eventually have a happy ending.   This is not the ending I anticipated in the story a month ago, but as events progressed, it has become evident that the ending must adapt.   With courage I will look at the roads ahead of me.  Walking down the road certainly isn't going to be easy, but as I prayerfully move forward, I know that things will happen as they are to happen.  And so, I pray...

Kyrie Elision, down the road that I must travel.  

Kyrie Elision, through the darkness of the night. 

BRAVE

I've had friends tell me in recent years that I am brave.  This is a compliment that I have never really understood.  What would possibly make me brave? Perhaps people think I'm brave because I'm honest about who I am, maybe it's because I get up in front of people and play piano or sing. Perhaps my willingness to explore topics related to faith, death, yoga, or maybe going places by myself makes me brave. Maybe it's because I don't always feel the need to conform.  

What does it mean to be brave?   Does it mean to live without fear, to live without worry?   Does it mean one is always strong? I don't honestly know.   Maybe it is at least appearing to be comfortable in one's own skin.  Maybe bravery is marching to the beat of one's own drum, disregarding a world of critics.     

Here's my confession:   Some days I think the most brave thing I do is get out of bed.    It's not always easy. What, with a day ahead of me that is, at best, uncertain, what is my motivation to get out of bed and trod into that world?   If that makes me brave, then, yes, by all means, call me brave.   If I'm being completely honest with myself, I am often full of fear.   I'm fearful of coming face to face with the things or people in my life with which I'd rather not deal, those deep and painful things which reside just below the surface.   It's the forgiveness that needs to be given, the degree that needs to be earned, the life that needs to be lived that has been too afraid to live.  

I hope someday to see the bravery that others see in me.   It's a cruel damn world out there.   It is my prayer that I will allow bravery to win, to let go of fears, to do what I need to do, to say what I need to say, to be an example and to let go of the things that hold me captive, because the truth of the matter is that I am my own worst enemy.   I need to get out of my own way and be brave.   

BEST OF INTENTIONS

Oh, I've had the best of intentions all along.   Of course I have.  I didn't mean any harm to myself or anyone else.    However, maybe I haven't been kind enough to myself.  Perhaps I haven't been active in making my intentions known until recently.  It becomes evident to me each day when I share my daily intentions how weak I am on my own.   

By "intentions" I mean prayers.   I've prayed a good portion of my life.   Oftentimes I write my prayers as letters to God.   However, since the beginning of Lent this year, I have been praying outloud more.   I've made a list of people and things I pray for each day.  I have a copy in my car with me, I have initials on a dry erase board in my shower and in a small notebook, so I try to make use of my commute times, shower times or just before bed times to make my intentions known to God.   It has had an incredible impact on my life, and in the lives of those for whom I am praying. 

When I converted to Catholicism in 2000, I knew very little about praying the Rosary, or praying with the Saints.   In fact, it wasn't until this year that I gave it a lot of thought at all.   My friend Jane and I are on a very similar spiritual journey.    While we live apart, we have shared with one another powerful Novenas (Prayers to saints who petition God on our behalf; a Novena is generally said for nine days in a row, although there are some that last longer or shorter amounts of time.)   I became a believer in Novenas when I said my first novena to Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, or as she is commonly referred to, The Little Flower.  Legand has it that the promise is that she pours down Roses from Heaven.   Ok, cool, right?    Hold on a second.   I prayed this prayer for nine days in the spring.  I saw a rose every single day, even in places where I didn't even know that there were rose bushes, and not only that, but the situations about which I had been praying were answered in the affirmative.   My current Novena is a 30-day Novena to St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus.   

Here's my confession:  Sure, I have always believed in prayer.  I mean, I was raised by a good Southern Baptist grandmother.   I went to a good Southern Baptist college.   What's not to believe?   Sure, sometimes prayers aren't answered like we want them, but they are always answered.   "No" is a valid answer, a viable option.   Yet, it wasn't until this year that I really began to focus on praying every single day, to take note of the intentions I have, that my friends have, and I began to pray for things to happen, and they did.   Some things I have prayed for haven't happened yet, but they will, or maybe they won't.   That's not for me to decide.   What is for me to decide is that I will bring my daily intentions before God.   It doesn't have to be all formal, just talk to God like a friend.   If you're mad at someone, tell God about it.   I once had a friend who said if he were mad, he would cuss if he needed to, God understood.   I always thought that was a great way to think about prayer.  God wants your best intentions, and your best intentions come from the heart.  It's not about the Thees and Thous, it's about the attitude of the heart and the purity of your intention, not the beauty of your words.  It's not about reciting an ancient prayer, but meaning the words you are reciting. That's the place from which beauty comes.    

WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS

So begins a month of contemplation, discernment, prayer.   So begins a month in which I will ask myself some hard questions and, hopefully, find some answers. So begins a month in which I earnestly ask, seek and knock.   So begins a month in which I begin to put the past behind me, and work diligently to build a future.    So begins a month in which I focus on being truly present, being an active participant in my own life.  

It has been a long time coming.   I have often said for the last several years that I am living in my own personal Purgatory.   Purgatory, by definition, means that you are going to eventually make it to the "Promised Land", you just have to endure a little purification first.   It seems I've been living in this "state" for the last four or five years.   Living, in the hope, of reaching my own personal Promised land.   

Here's my confession:   A month ago, I wasn't open to many of the things to which I find myself open today.   Mending fences, letting go of stress, anxiety, bitterness, fear.   I've lived with it all for far too long.   Why September? There's really no reason, other than it has 30 days and it came at the exact moment I needed to stop and take a breather, to evaluate areas of my life.   So, September, it's you and me.   We may not conquer everything in your 30 days, but we are going to make a good start.   Through prayer, meditation, journaling, and finding ways to change things in my life, I am hopeful that when September ends, that I will have more peace, more joy, more life in me than I do at this moment.    In a sense, I am hopeful that when September ends, I will, indeed, be awakened.