IT'S NOT OVER

It might seem to the outsider that my life is amazing, like everything is perfect...like I'm living the dream. It may seem like I love Nashville. It may seem that the last year of my life has been something to be envied. 

The truth is that it has been a difficult year. Maybe difficult isn't the best word. Perhaps challenging is the right word. Leaving behind the familiarity of Birmingham is still difficult. I've lost much along this journey. I have packed and moved my belongings three times since October, 2015. First, I lived with M and KD until they moved to Ohio, then with J and J for 6 months, and now I'm at what I hope is my long-term spot with K.

I've shed tears. This is huge, because for several years, for one reason or another, I've not been able to cry. Yet, I wept the day I pulled off the interstate in Birmingham to get gas as I was going to meet the movers delivering my items to Nashville. I cried for many miles as I made my way north. I cried for the unknown. I cried for what I was leaving behind-my life of 18 years, the city I call home, my church, my family of choice.

I cried after moving in my current address...because the weight of life hit one night. It was one of those nothing is really wrong cries, just one of those cleansing cries where the one thing just sets the exact domino effect. I cried silently, alone in my room, while texting the play-by-play to a friend. While attempting to be discreet and quiet, my roommate could hear me from the other room. He did check on me to make sure I was ok before he went to bed. It was a sweet and tender moment.

I cried again on a recent trip to Birmingham. I cried on the trip down, I cried as I spoke to friends from my church. I lost my cool. I channeled my frustrations into what may have been my greatest-ever piano performance. I cried so much that weekend, perhaps because the weekend coincided with the anniversary of the events that led to my leaving Birmingham. So many vivid memories of conversations, experiences, and sheer depths of pain I felt a year ago came rushing in on me.

I cried again last week as I left the vehicle registration office with my new license plate in hand, as it was just another reminder of how a chapter of my life has ended. And then the thought occurred to me that perhaps it is those chapters of our lives we don't really want that actually allow us the most room to grow...

Moving is not an experience I wanted. But, again, life happened. I lost a job that I thought I was doing very well at, a job I was recruited to for many months, but it was determined after less than 90 days that I "wasn't a good fit." Something about that experience, well, if I'm being honest, EVERYTHING about that experience, did a number to my psyche. For the first three or so months I was in Nashville, I was applying for jobs, but lived in absolute fear that someone would actually call me and I would have to go to an interview--or perhaps even worse, I would be offered a job...and then possibly fail again. How could I possibly do that? How could I possibly put myself back out there like that? The pain and sense of loss, the fear of failure was one of the most paralyzing experiences I've ever known.

I've been blessed...I suppose I've experienced beauty rising from the ashes. On a whim in January, I decided to listen to what my gut had been telling me to do all along-apply with Target. So, I sat down and did the application online. A few days later, I received a call asking me if I'd be interested in an interview for a part-time position...about 15 hours a week...a position which would be about 3 days a week....unloading the truck....at 4am. Sure, I mean, I haven't worked in like four months, so I'm game. I went for the interview, and was hired on the spot. My career at Target was beginning. So I proved myself on the truck team, spoke up and said I wanted to try out cashiering, so I added that to my skill set and absolutely LOVED cashiering. It's become a passion. I was then approached about interviewing for an open position as Guest Services Attendant, which is basically an entry-level management position overseeing all things related to the operation of the front end of the store. I was offered the position and have been in the position a little less than two months at this point. It's been a huge experience for me. I learn something new every single day. The work is hard, but I have a great team around me. I have great managers who are all about helping me succeed and grow with the company, which, yes, is something I want to do. I get to mentor new team members, and hopefully inspire them on their journeys.

I have many dear friends and many companions on this journey, but perhaps the companion who has helped me get through the toughest moments is a lady affectionately known as "Grandma" at my church in Birmingham. On a trip to Birmingham in the spring, she told me words I hear and repeat to myself every single day "You had to move to Nashville because there were people you had to meet, lives you needed to touch and lives who needed to touch you. When all of that is complete, God can bring you back to Birmingham...or wherever your next step is." Those words. Simple. True. Comforting. Every. Single. Day. Her words confirmed what I've found to be an important passage of scripture. Most everyone knows Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you..." but who knows the verses that come after it? That's where the real meat of the passage lives. You see, the verses after verse 11 go on to say that God has it all planned out..and when we get serious, God will turn things around for us...to bring us home..."

Here's my confession: The last year of my life has been difficult, challenging, and to say life-changing is an understatement. The greatest accomplishment of which I can boast is that I am still standing. Have there been days I was ready to give up? Absolutely. Did I honestly expect to still be in Nashville almost one year after I moved? Probably not. I was giving it 6-9 months when I arrived. And then God said "Ok. you stick with that. Let's see how that works out for you." As it turned out, it didn't work out so well. None of the jobs for which I applied in Birmingham panned out...because looking back, they weren't supposed to. None of MY plans worked out. So, enter surrender to the universe, to God, to the Sacred. Enter surrender to all things over which I thought I had any control, any things over which I felt like I had any inkling of power. The truth is that my life was in a huge rut in Birmingham. I had silent struggles about which very few know. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. I now know that. I saw a meme recently that said something to the effect of "One day you'll look back and realize why none of those other plans ever worked out...they weren't supposed to."

I've cried more in the last year than I can ever remember crying in my life. I've found some really happy moments, but I've lived through some really sad ones, too. I've found out who my real friends are. I've found out that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I've found out that I have lessons to teach others; I have lessons to learn from others. What I hope everyone in my life knows is that my aim is to be genuine. I’m quick-witted, sometimes misunderstood, but at the end of the day, what you see me post online is me. My daily quotes are there to remind me about the struggle of life, my observations about life are there to keep me laughing. I’ve found that more often than not, these things touch others, and that is a great thing.  I've found that moving once is daunting. I've found that moving twice is ridiculous. I've found that moving three times in a nine-month period of time is overkill. I've found that people are put in my life for a reason. I've found that I'm never alone. There is a reason for every single one of the 525,600 minutes which make up a year.  And, most of all, I've learned that it's not over yet.