AN OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF AS A CHILD

                                                                                                      30 September 2013

Dear Second Grade Me,

So, it’s the fall of 1981 and here you are in Miss Cole’s second grade class.   It hasn’t really sunk in to you yet that you are repeating the second grade.   Lots of things you are experiencing now don’t make sense to you yet.  What I’m about to tell you will become clear to you as you grow up, although, I’m going to be honest with you, some of the things may not really become clear to you for many years.   However, trust me, while there are things right now that you can’t even begin to understand, in a few years, you will.  

You don’t really have a name for it right now, but you know how you don’t really like girls but you like the boys? It’s because you are gay.  That means you are a boy who likes boys. As you grow up, some people will want to use this against you to bully you, to make fun of you, and to make you feel like you are a bad person, undeserving of the same rights and freedoms as everyone else.  You just stay strong.   It’s going to be ok.   Sure, you’ll endure some name calling, but there will always be people on your side.   Some of those people who are mean to you today don’t know any better.  One day they will understand, and not only will they respect you; they will become some of your biggest fans.  You see, in your lifetime, you’re going to see what are called “openly gay” people on television, in movies…even in your daily life.   You will be an agent of change just by showing those around you that you are proud of yourself.  Oh, it won’t be an easy road.  Actually, it’s going to be quite a scary place at times.  You’ll cry.   You’ll laugh.  You’ll want to give up.   But you won’t.  You’ll keep going, because you’re going to have friends who support you every step of the way.

Speaking of friends, I know how you often feel very lonely right now, even if it is something you don’t recognize.   The truth is you don’t even know right now that the people in your class have sleepovers and have birthday parties on the weekends to which you aren’t ever invited. You’re blissfully unaware.  You’ll have some very close friends one day, but don’t worry—it won’t happen until you are in college and even well into adulthood, but it WILL happen.

One day, you’ll wake up and realize that while life isn’t perfect, that you really do have everything you need.   Here’s a sneak peak of your life by the time you get to 40.   You’ll not only learn music, after high school you’ll go on to earn a Bachelor of Arts in Voice, so when your parents keep telling you “no” every time you ask for piano lessons, it’s ok, because one day you will grow up and share the gift of music with others. Don’t worry about being the last kid chosen to play games at recess.   Sports isn’t your thing, anyway.  There are a few things you will regret as you get older—you’ll wish you had learned to read more and that you had been encouraged to read for pleasure.  Something you’re going to find really cool when you get older is that “Miss Cole” will become someone you respect a lot, even going so far as to call her a friend. You, after all, were part of her first class.  Oh, and that thing about repeating the second grade?  You’ll come consider that one of the greatest things your parents EVER did for you. Many years from now, you’ll reconnect with her on a place called “facebook”—I won’t spoil the surprise for the future, but facebook is something of which almost everyone is a part.     One more thing…next year, in 1982, The World’s Fair will be in Knoxville.   You’ll have the chance to go a few times.   Be sure to soak up every little moment that you can.  It will be something really neat to say you were a part of when you get older. 

Here’s my confession:  In some ways, I think it would have been nice to have a letter from the future telling us how things would turn out.   Yet, at the same time, I have to confess, I like the adventure of not knowing everything.  Isn’t it the blind experiences of life that help create who we are?  What I have learned in my 40 years on earth is that in the grand scheme of things, that life is pretty good.   Everything that happens is for a reason, and usually builds on other events.  Rainbows are one of the most beautiful visions known to humans—however, in order for a rainbow to appear, we have to endure a little bit of rain.  So it is with life.   Storms come, we get battered then the rainbow appears.   So it has been with my life. 

Love,
me

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY CAT

                                                                                                       29 September 2013

Dear Monkey,

Our relationship began on February 14, 2004.   For nearly a decade you have been my feline companion.   We’ve no doubt been through a lot of things together.   We’ve moved three times together, you’ve been there as your other daddy and I decided it was best to part ways, you’ve been there as I’ve changed jobs and for many other events along the way.   And, now, as you are in your later years of life, I don’t know how much time we will have remaining.   There are some things I want you to know. 

While our time together has not always been a bed of roses, I am thankful that you have been a part of my life.   You have been notorious since almost day one for your “on purposes”…some people might call them accidents, but I don’t.   I know when you go outside your litter box you are doing it completely on purpose.   More often than not, I just want you to speak like a human and tell me what the hell is going on in that little brain of yours.   So, yes, Monkey, I’ve been frustrated at times.   But, on the whole, you have been so loving and so affectionate.   One of my fondest memories of you is the morning after we moved into our current dwelling.  Certainly, you were scared, and the next morning as I awoke, I found you curled up, in a ball, underneath the covers with me.   That always makes me smile.   There is also the time before Parker and I parted ways that he was trying to get you to use the fancy litter box that hooked up to the plumbing and you were having none of it, and you let him know by climbing on the bed, backing up, and leaving a steaming pile on him.   Well played, kitty, well played. 

You have a unique history about you, one of which I only know bits and pieces as given to me from the sweet lady in Columbus, GA, from whom Parker and I adopted you.   Before your brief stay with her, you lived in New York City, and were there, across the street in your home, across the street from the World Trade Center, when those horrific events of 9/11 unfolded.   If only you could talk, what stories you could possibly tell.    Your original humans were unable to keep you, so the sweet lady from Georgia adopted you, and then discovered that she could not give you the care you deserved.   That’s how Parker and I discovered you, though Parker’s sister’s soon-to-be sister-in-law, who worked with the lady who put you up for adoption.  

Here’s my confession:  I know I’ve not always been the best human companion, but know that when I wake up in the morning and you are there with your gentle love, it makes me happy.   I hope that you know of the love that I’ve attempted to give to you.   And now, as I look over at you, sleeping on the bed, your frail, emaciated body sleeping peacefully, I wonder what it will be like when you leave this world.  I don’t know if we have weeks or years left, but as we approach our tenth anniversary together next Valentine’s Day, I’m thankful for the love we’ve shared.   And, when that time comes that you must surrender to death, go, knowing that I’ve tried to take care of you as best I possibly can.  

Love,

Me

PURGATORY

Today’s topic:  What is one story you want to share?

Traditionally, Purgatory is defined as “a state after death according to Roman Catholic belief in which the souls of people who die are made pure through suffering before going to heaven: a place or state of suffering.”   Whether or not I believe the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church to me is a non-issue.   My definition of Purgatory is in a more personal sense, and something I feel I have experienced for about the last five years of my life.   Purgatory, for me, is about being in a state of limbo, a place of transition, being in a place from which I know I will one day emerge.   In a religious sense, Purgatory has been described in laymen’s terms as “Being at the door of Heaven, but having mud on your shoes and you have to get the mud off before you can go in.”  I like that analogy on both a spiritual and personal level.  I now present to you my journey through Purgatory. 

Five years ago, I was newly single after a relationship of just over five years had ended.  Parker and I had purchased a house in 2007, which we had no business purchasing, and, had I been stronger and had my wits about me, would have probably set my foot down and said no, but, hindsight, as it is said, is always 20/20.   By this point five years ago, I had begun developing a social life, exploring the city I had lived in for a decade and was, for the first time, finding my voice both literally as a member of my city’s newly-formed gay men’s chorus and figuratively, as I began my journey to independence. 

In late 2009 we decided that we would let the house go, so I found a small, affordable place to live.  Parker had already moved well over a year before.   This is where I believe, although unbeknownst to me at the time, my own personal journey through Purgatory begins.   Thanksgiving weekend 2009, I moved out of our home and worked to acclimate myself with my new life.  Three months later, an unexpected twist came my way—I lost my job of nearly 12 years.  Here I was, my savings account depleted, my source of income now vanished. “Is this some cruel joke from God or some blessing hidden in the rubble?” I thought.  As it turned out, maybe it was a little bit of both.  Somehow, the money that I had lasted me until a new job began for me in August of 2010—a long-term, full-time temporary job which would last for the next 21 months.   Prior to beginning that job, my attorney and I settled out of court with my previous employer on a buyout rather than a termination.  While a large percentage of the money went to attorney fees and taxes, the money came right on time.  That job turned out to be a great experience and I was hired in another department when our project ended.  With the permanent employment, however, oddly, came a reduction in pay, hours that were unfavorable and fatigue, restlessness and anxiety worse than I’d ever experienced.  It was during this period of time that I came to realize I was living in my own personal Purgatory.  

I remember thinking “Wow, look at all that has happened since 2008.  You’re here for a reason.  You’re living in a small house that isn’t really “home”, you’re working a job just to get you by, you’re tired beyond words, and there seems to be no end to this situation.   You are in Purgatory. “   And, with that thought, I realized that everything I’ve experienced has been for my greater good.   The key, I began to realize, is to learn what lessons are intended for me during this interim period.   Knowing that I’m in Purgatory, I can take solace in the fact that I will one day emerge from this period.   This is a time for me to work on finding a better job (which I did earlier this year), a time to work on eliminating debt (which I have a plan in place), and armed with a few supportive friends who are there for me, I began to look at this situation as much more bearable.

Here’s my confession: Purgatory is not exactly a happy place, but it has been a humbling place.   My “shoes” are still a little muddy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.   I’ve reached the place where I can see a little more clearly where my life is headed and am able to dig out of the tunnel and patiently await the day when I emerge into my own personal Heaven.   What does that look like?  Where will it be?  That, I can’t say for certain, but what I can say is that it looks like a bright, beautiful place.   And, after this period of refining, purging and redefining myself, I’m going to be ready.  

WANTED: TWO THINGS

Several days have passed since I composed my last blog.  The topic of today's blog caused me to take several days to really contemplate the answer. The question? "What are two things you want?"  What follows is the result of several days of deeply questioning myself, pondering for an answer.

So, what two things do I want? 

I want Peace.   I don’t long for peace just on the surface, but deep, satisfying peace.  I long for financial peace, emotional/spiritual peace and personal peace.   Now, that may sound like a lofty want or something straight out of Hollywood.  Peace like that doesn’t exist in the world, does it?   I believe it does, and I believe that all three areas where I most long for peace are so inter-connected that by making small changes in each area will have dramatic outcomes on the whole. By freeing myself from the burden of debt, my spirit should be lighter, which transcends into my personal life and interactions with others. 

I want Love.   Love must start with me.  If I’m completely honest, there are times when I am somewhat self-loathing.  Until I surrender and fully love myself with all my flaws, I certainly can’t expect anyone else to love me.  Sometimes I don’t like the man in the mirror because the reflection is not the right weight, he says and does crazy things.   But, the truth is I do love the man in the mirror, and am working daily to learn to love him even more. That man in the mirror is me.  One day, maybe in the not too distant future, I’m going to be able to give a man my heart again.   And, when I do give my heart away again, with it will be a whole new me—a me that loves myself, a me that respects myself, and a me that can stand on his own like never before.  

Here’s my confession: In recent days, I’ve started feeling a little more peace and love in my life.   I see how far I’ve come, and I have an action plan in place to go farther.   I question myself often about peace and love.  I am accepting circumstances and learning to accept those that I can’t change, and actively seeking ways to change the ones that I can.   Sometimes, the answers come to us when we are least expecting them.   Sometimes they come in the way of the voice of a friend, and sometimes they even come to us in the silence.

My next blog will actually piggy-back off this one, as I tell a story of the paths I’ve traveled to where I am today, and where I hope to be in the tomorrows that are ahead.

THREE THINGS I MISS

Today’s topic: What are three things I miss?   I must admit this took a great deal of thought.

INNOCENCE: At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I miss the innocence of life. I miss more simplistic times.   I actually miss the world where television stations weren’t on 24 hours a day. I remember when television stations would sign off at night and back on the next morning.   I still can’t force myself to believe that there is a need for news 24 hours a day.  There is only so much that can be reported, and it doesn’t have to be updated every three minutes.   I miss a time when we didn’t have hour-long shows on television dedicated to dissecting court cases with raving Nancy Graces everywhere with their sensationalizing of cases, missing people and murders.  There was a simple innocence in a not-so-far-away world where we didn’t need that.  Don’t get me wrong, I love facebook, text messages and email and the connection they provide.  I even still enjoy watching the news, and I like to be able to get updates on breaking news online.   But, I miss the simple innocence and beauty of a handwritten letter, watching a simple 30 minute newscast by people to whom we all felt a connection.  

PEOPLE:  I miss the people who have all had a hand in molding me into the man I’ve become.  There are some people with whom I’ve just lost touch, which is ok because some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season, some have passed from this life, and some just simply live farther away. 

EMOTION: There are times when I want to just sit down and cry.  I believe it is healthy.  However, for whatever reason, I have not had a good cry in far longer than I can remember. I imagine that one day when the floodgates to my tears are opened, they may go for days.  Whoever came up with the philosophy that “real men don’t cry” was, and, I’ll put it bluntly, a damned liar.   I imagine there are men who lived lives much shorter than they should have because they were taught to not express their emotions.   A good cry is cleansing for the soul.  Yet, for me, my emotions are expressed in my writing until the day the dam breaks on my tears.

Here’s my confession:   As I prepared to write this blog, it really struck me as a surprisingly much harder topic than I had expected.   I didn’t want to be superficial in the topics I covered.   I wanted to be honest and heartfelt, as always.   What I miss most is the simplicity of life and the people as I was growing up.   I often try to think of things from the perspective of my parents or grandparents and wonder if when I was growing up in the 1980s was really a much easier time than it is now or if, because my only job then was to be a kid, that my perception is that life was easier then?  And so, I will leave you with these thoughts: Does the advent of technology make our lives easier or does it convolute our lives more? In being more connected to the world, are we actually less connected? Is knowledge really power, or is it possible to know too much about what is going on in our world? 

FOUR CONFESSIONS

My blog is built on the premise of a confession at the end of each blog.   In this blog, however, my task is to write four confessions.   With some help from my facebook friends, I have a couple of confessions and a couple of confessions of my own.   And so, here goes…HERE ARE MY CONFESSIONS:

Confession One:  What is a song I hate to love?   Well, this pains me to say, but yes, there are a few of Taylor Swift’s songs that I like.   The one that comes to mind is “I Knew That You Were Trouble When You Walked In”.    I don’t know if she is talented or not, and usually she grates on my nerves.   But, sometimes, yes, I catch myself singing along to her music, and I think maybe a part of me dies every time I do.

Confession Two:  What is my biggest dream? The one dream that I have not yet realized is becoming a teacher.   Sometimes I think I’m afraid to take the chance, sometimes I think maybe I would be good at it, but then I think what if I’m not?   I’m not getting any younger.   Some teachers tell me horror stories; some tell me it would be a great choice.  I’m just so conflicted.    

Confession three: What is something that not everyone knows about me? My parents had me held back in the second grade.   While that might devastate some kids, to me, it is probably the best parenting decision my parents ever made.   I got to have a really awesome second grade teacher the second time around (and I’m not just saying that because I know she reads my blog, I really mean it!).   Being held back allowed me time to mature and catch up to my grade level.   That one year being held back held back my life by a year and I think that is incredible. My life would have been so very different had I been passed along to another grade too early.   

Confession Four:  Sometimes I want to disappear, even if just for a short time.  I don’t have the courage to just up and disappear, though.   It seems that I make myself accountable to at least one person at all times so that someone will know where I am.   But, still, entertaining the idea of just getting away, alone, being disconnected for a little while I try to figure out life, is appealing.   Sometimes you just wanna go where nobody knows your name, right? 

AND THOSE ARE MY CONFESSIONS...

FIVE THINGS I HATE

My topic for today is to write about five things I hate.  As I outlined the things about which I would write, I found this to be a humbling topic. I found a mixture of things that I hate about myself and others, and was able to have a little heart-to-heart with myself about how I can create a better me from the things I hate in myself and others.

PRETENTIOUSNESS:   Be yourself.  It doesn’t matter who you are, what you are,  just own it.  Pretending to be something you aren’t is not attractive. I hope that I am never guilty of trying to be someone or something I am not.   I make every possible endeavor to be genuine, and I choose to not knowingly associate myself with people who don’t extend the same courtesy.

THE GYM: Yes, I have started going back to the gym on a more regular schedule.  I hate it.  I hate the time that it takes, I hate everything except the results.   I have to remind myself that even Muhammad Ali himself stated that he hated every single, solitary minute of training, but that it was worth it to be “the best”.   It’s easy to be lazy, but I guess I hate myself a little more when I look in the mirror and the man staring back at me has clearly been too lazy.  

LIVING BEYOND MY MEANS: I think is something of which most of us are guilty. I confess that I’m certainly guilty.  I live on plastic way too much.   But, I’m taking steps to get that under control.  I’m eliminating unnecessary expenses and curbing my spending.  I hate being in debt, and it’s time to do something about it.

FEELING OUT OF CONTROL: I didn’t even drink for the first time until I was 35—for one main reason, I was afraid to be out of control.  But, as a general rule, I hate being unprepared, out of control, looking foolish.    I pride myself on being organized, prepared and ready.  I hate the feeling of not knowing or being prepared in any aspect of my life.   I feel like I need to be in control of myself in almost every area of my life.  Maybe I should relent just a little, but it’s still hard to relinquish control.

BEING A PICKY EATER:  This is one of the things I hate most in my own personal life.  This may sound trite or mundane, but for whatever reason, the list of foods that I don’t like probably far outnumbers the list of foods that I do like.  Topping my list of foods that I hate: mayo, ketchup, sour cream, Indian food, Chinese (I’m ok with a buffet, because I can usually find something I’ll eat), Eggs (it’s ok if they are in things—like cake, etc) and sushi.   I hate the fact that I am so picky, but I have tried the things I don’t like, and despite my desire to not be a picky eater, I remain picky about what I’ll eat.  I’ve heard that taste buds change as we get older, so maybe, one day, I will be less picky.   I’ve always wondered WHY I’m like this.   Of all the things about me, this has been one of the most difficult to grasp.

Here’s my confession:  I could spend time being self-loathing and beating myself up for the things about myself that I “hate” or trying to change other people for the things about them that aren’t like I would want them to be, but the truth is, I have to just work on myself and do my best to improve the areas of my life where I fall short.   Sometimes it gets frustrating when I see that some things are of my own doing or, worse, are out of my control.   

SIX THINGS I LOVE

My topic today is to write about six things I love.   There are at least two directions I could go with this blog.  I could be superficial and trite or I could go more deeply.  I hope that my observations and insights are found to be from the latter.

MUSIC:  I love music.   I love working hard and mastering a piece of music I find particularly difficult.  I love performing music and touching people’s lives with my music.   But I think the thing that I love most about music is that it is universal and covers every possible memory or emotion.

RAINY DAYS: Rainy days are beautiful to me.  I love listening to the rain falling.   I’m not an incredibly “outdoorsy” person; so being inside listening to the rain falling outside is a little bit of heaven on earth.   Sunshine, at least too much of it, makes me unhappy.   Rain is a good thing.

INTROSPECTION: I love thinking about life.    I love looking at my life, seeing where I can improve.   I love making lists and the sense of accomplishment that provides.

WORDS AND GRAMMAR:  While not an expert, I love grammar and words.  Words, their meaning and usage fascinate me.

BEING A FRIEND:  I have many acquaintances, but a small group of friends.  I love sharing a friendship with someone. Friendship is such a sacred calling.

BEING ME: I’ve been through a lot of bumps in life, and maybe still don’t have my life together, but each day I feel I grow a little more and understand my life much more.  I have to be me, because that’s the only person I know how to be.

Here’s my confession:  Life is an adventure, and while it is not always perfect, things have a way of working out in the right direction. What it all boils down to is that in life we have two choices—to embrace life and live it or to sit on the sidelines and complain.   I, for one, want to be on the team that is living life, because, while there are a lot of things in this world worth despising, there are also a lot more thanks worthy of love.

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT

My topic for today is to write about the seven things that cross my mind a lot.   I actually spend most of my time thinking, contemplating, and planning, so this seems to be a very appropriate topic.

MY FUTURE:  I think about my future a lot.   I wonder where my life is heading, where I want to be.   Where will I be in five or ten years?  Will I be stuck in a rut or will my life actually have meaning and purpose? 

EDUCATION:   Will I ever go back to school to get another degree?  Will I find the courage to make things happen?  What will I study, and where?  Will my dream of being a graduate of the University of Alabama become a reality or just another item on the list of things “I wish I had done”?

FINANCES:  There was a time when I was so frugal with my money.  But now, I find myself in debt and wonder how or when it will all go away.  When I will be debt free.   Maybe the new “American Dream” involves swimming in debt.   I wish it didn’t feel this way, I wish it weren’t this way.

HIM: I think about the man that in my heart of hearts is “THE ONE”. 

SPIRITUALITY: I used to consider myself religious, but as I have gotten older, I realize that I am actually more spiritual than religious.   My beliefs about the supernatural, the spiritual, the Divine can no longer be confided to just religion.  I believe we are all on a path to the afterlife.   This is probably one of those confessions that will make some of my readers shutter.   However, as I have examined the world, my heart, and constantly evaluate my own convictions, I believe that yes, there is ONE God, but we all take different paths in our approach to the relationship. At least I still have faith.  Many of my friends have lost theirs altogether.

FAMILY:  I think about family.  More specifically, I think of my family of origin.  I think every single day of my grandmother who departed this life much too early.  I think of what life would be like were she still alive.  I wonder if things would be different, if I would be closer to my family.  As it is, in recent months, I have had several conversations via text message with my father, and feel quite a sense of peace in

FRIENDSHIPS:  My friends are on my mind at almost every moment of every day.   Growing up without the experience of many close friendships certainly makes me more keenly aware of just how precious the friendships I have today are.   People come and go from our lives, each one teaching us some sort of lesson.   Sometimes they are there only for a season, but sometimes, they are there for a lifetime.  I’m grateful for all of them, but most of all, I am grateful for those who are there for me day in and day out. And, I think, I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.   Friendship is one of the most sacred things in my life, and I value it with my life.

Here’s my confession:  I think the seven topics I discussed above are in and of themselves confessions.  All seven topics boil down to one simple concept.  I want to have a life that is full of meaning, of purpose and something that, if I am blessed to live a long life, I will look back with more satisfaction than regret.   Yet, if I leave this world tomorrow, I want to know that I’ve made a difference in every area of my life-in my thoughts, in my words, and in my actions. 

EIGHT REGRETS

Try as I may to live a life without regrets, I have to be honest and, in the words from the old Frank Sinatra song “My Way”, “Regrets, I’ve had a few…” And so, I ponder what are possibly my eight biggest regrets at this point in life.  As with previous posts, this list is compiled as the items came to me, not necessarily in any particular order.

1. Not having been encouraged to read as a child.  Not having a love of reading instilled in me or encouraged is something I’ve always regretted.  It’s much more difficult to pick up a passion for reading later in life. 
2. Not having taken my college career more seriously, at least in some ways.  I wouldn’t trade one single, solitary moment of the personal growth opportunities I gained in college.   While I was an average student, academics were not my primary focus.  The lessons I learned about myself are actually a huge part of the experience.  Now, that sounds like I was a party animal.  I can assure you that wasn’t the case.  I went to a private Southern Baptist college in a dry county in Kentucky.  At least to my group of friends, drinking and partying was not part of our extra curricular activities.  Now spending all hours of the evening at the local Wendy’s studying and socializing were more our speed.
3. Not being more responsible with my credit cards.
4. Being a consummate procrastinator.
5. Not always thinking before I speak.  Lacking a “filter” and certain “social graces” often gets me in some sticky situations.
6. Being a picky eater. I don’t even know why I am regretting it.  As I was getting ready to turn 40 I was reading some blogs.  One person was lamenting that they don’t like certain types of foods.  One person said “I’ve finally decided I’m 40, I don’t like sushi.  I’ve tried it and I’m not going to apologize any more.”   My thoughts exactly.  However, I do regret that, for whatever the reason I don’t have an elaborate palate.
7. Not yet returning to school for an advanced degree.
8. Not having the courage I need to make amends when it really matters.

Here’s my confession:  While I do have a few regrets in my life, I firmly believe that as long as I have breath in my lungs, I have the opportunity to work on the areas I currently regret.   Life must be lived forward, not backwards, and should be lived one chapter, one page at a time.   My life is a work in progress. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.   

NINE QUIRKS AND MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ME

I guess we all have our own little quirks and there maybe people don’t understand us.  Here are a few about me:

1.  I don’t like clutter.  Now, that said, it doesn’t mean that I live in a museum, but I have to stay on top of clutter because I live in a small house and it can get out of control quickly.   I vacuum every day or every other day, and find it cathartic.  I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. 
2. I make “to do” lists.   It helps me organized and on task.  Well, it helps, that doesn’t mean that it always works all the time, but it does give me a springboard from which to jump.
3. I often put more on my plate than I actually get done.   There are lots of things I want to do—learn new music, learn a new language, but often fall short of my ambitions. I’m still trying to figure out my life.   
4. Bowties are something people associate with me.   The truth is that I actually only wear them on Sundays and special occasions.   Although, it has been said that I do rock the bow tie.
5. I love rainy days. In fact, I love rainy days more than sunny days because a good rainy day can regulate my mood like nothing else in the entire world.
6. I prefer small groups of people rather than large groups.   I just feel more comfortable.  
7. I love quotes.   Why?  Because I find them motivational in my own life, and when I share then with others, I get feedback that
8. People think I was a really great student.  I wasn’t. I was average.
9. I love to write, but I am a very slow reader.

Here’s my confession:  What do I learn from looking over the list?  I like organization, rainy days and have things I want to do, but don’t know how to make it all happen.  A bow tie might make it all better, right?   Probably not.   So, maybe there aren’t any big revelations on this list.   And, well, maybe it’s not my best work, but it’s ok, because I promised myself I would write and I did.   Here’s to tomorrow…

TEN MEMORIES I NEVER WANT TO FORGET

There are moments in life that are defining moments, those moments, people and experiences that change us, help us define who we are, and continue to challenge and comfort us our entire life.  I have compiled, in no particular order, a list of ten memories I hope I never forget because they are so much a part of me. 

1.    My 40^th Birthday.  I was surrounded by those friends with whom I am closest, and who have seen me at my very best and my very worst, and with whom I have no reservations about being myself, because they love and accept me just as I am.  Other than the absence of possibly a couple of individuals, I don’t know that the birthday could have been more perfect.   Not that I didn’t already know it, but that night proved to me that I am loved.

2.    The day in August 1994 when I met my best friend, Lee.   He’s the one person who has stood the test of time with me.  He’s seen me through every range of emotion, dried more than his fair share of tears, dodged rumors that would have caused a lesser person to run, but no, he is the picture-perfect definition of friendship.  

3.    1996.   Yes, the entire year.  It’s worthy of a blog in and of itself.   That is the year that I officially “came out”.   The year is filled with memories of wonderful music, life-long friends and, in some ways, a simplicity that I truly miss.

4.    The first time I played in church-June 17, 1990.  I filled in on the organ for Vera.  A dream was realized, and a life-long journey begun to accompanying and solo playing of the piano and, sometimes, the organ.

5.    The day I bought my baby grand piano.   It was a life-long dream realized.  I had a few tears in my eyes knowing that while I was only getting $100 for old piano, that I was making my Grandmother happy somewhere out there, because she always wanted me to have a grand, yet there wasn’t money left after she died to make that a reality.

6. My first Alabama sunset.   I saw it just south of Fort Payne, Alabama in June 1997 as I was driving to meet my then-partner to help him with his move from Florida to Alabama.   The sunset was the most beautiful, majestic thing I had ever seen.   I think it must have been foretelling the future as for the last 15 of those 16 years since that night I have called Alabama home.

7.    The day in 1989-my sophomore year of high school-when I first heard about my college.  It became my only choice, and where I would spend ten amazing semesters making memories.

8.    The last time I saw my grandmother alive, approximately two weeks before she died.   She told me that she wouldn’t be able to make it to my confirmation (into the Catholic Church) because she was just too weak and didn’t think she could make the trip from Tennessee to Alabama.   She died on Monday of Holy Week before my confirmation on Saturday.  

9.    My college graduation trip from my boyfriend in December 1997.  I flew from Knoxville, TN to Orlando, FL to meet up with him the day after Christmas and we drove from Melbourne, FL to New York City for New Year’s Eve.  (While I NEVER want to experience New Year’s Eve in NYC again, I enjoyed the city and want to go back again)

10. Driving to Knoxville with my high school friend, Morgan, in 1996 to see “Philadelphia”.   While I have a steel-trap mind for most events, I confess that some of the details are fuzzy.   However, what is most important about this excursion is that I already knew I was gay, and wanted to tell her so bad that night, but couldn’t.  Yet, we enjoyed an amazing movie, and a great meal at Chili’s. She still remains one of my greatest friends and confidants.

Here’s my confession:  In life, I’ve observed, that we never know WHAT moments are going to turn out to be memories.   Usually, it turns out to be those run-of-the-mill, mundane, every-day occurrences that stick with us the most.   I’ve had 40 wonderful years of memories, and I still look for every opportunity to make new memories.   When all is said and done, I know that I am blessed beyond any possible scale of measure. And, yet, I don’t think it’s done quite yet. Life is good. If you have been a part of a memory, thank you.  If not, don’t worry, I’m sure there are plenty of opportunities left.