PURGATORY

Today’s topic:  What is one story you want to share?

Traditionally, Purgatory is defined as “a state after death according to Roman Catholic belief in which the souls of people who die are made pure through suffering before going to heaven: a place or state of suffering.”   Whether or not I believe the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church to me is a non-issue.   My definition of Purgatory is in a more personal sense, and something I feel I have experienced for about the last five years of my life.   Purgatory, for me, is about being in a state of limbo, a place of transition, being in a place from which I know I will one day emerge.   In a religious sense, Purgatory has been described in laymen’s terms as “Being at the door of Heaven, but having mud on your shoes and you have to get the mud off before you can go in.”  I like that analogy on both a spiritual and personal level.  I now present to you my journey through Purgatory. 

Five years ago, I was newly single after a relationship of just over five years had ended.  Parker and I had purchased a house in 2007, which we had no business purchasing, and, had I been stronger and had my wits about me, would have probably set my foot down and said no, but, hindsight, as it is said, is always 20/20.   By this point five years ago, I had begun developing a social life, exploring the city I had lived in for a decade and was, for the first time, finding my voice both literally as a member of my city’s newly-formed gay men’s chorus and figuratively, as I began my journey to independence. 

In late 2009 we decided that we would let the house go, so I found a small, affordable place to live.  Parker had already moved well over a year before.   This is where I believe, although unbeknownst to me at the time, my own personal journey through Purgatory begins.   Thanksgiving weekend 2009, I moved out of our home and worked to acclimate myself with my new life.  Three months later, an unexpected twist came my way—I lost my job of nearly 12 years.  Here I was, my savings account depleted, my source of income now vanished. “Is this some cruel joke from God or some blessing hidden in the rubble?” I thought.  As it turned out, maybe it was a little bit of both.  Somehow, the money that I had lasted me until a new job began for me in August of 2010—a long-term, full-time temporary job which would last for the next 21 months.   Prior to beginning that job, my attorney and I settled out of court with my previous employer on a buyout rather than a termination.  While a large percentage of the money went to attorney fees and taxes, the money came right on time.  That job turned out to be a great experience and I was hired in another department when our project ended.  With the permanent employment, however, oddly, came a reduction in pay, hours that were unfavorable and fatigue, restlessness and anxiety worse than I’d ever experienced.  It was during this period of time that I came to realize I was living in my own personal Purgatory.  

I remember thinking “Wow, look at all that has happened since 2008.  You’re here for a reason.  You’re living in a small house that isn’t really “home”, you’re working a job just to get you by, you’re tired beyond words, and there seems to be no end to this situation.   You are in Purgatory. “   And, with that thought, I realized that everything I’ve experienced has been for my greater good.   The key, I began to realize, is to learn what lessons are intended for me during this interim period.   Knowing that I’m in Purgatory, I can take solace in the fact that I will one day emerge from this period.   This is a time for me to work on finding a better job (which I did earlier this year), a time to work on eliminating debt (which I have a plan in place), and armed with a few supportive friends who are there for me, I began to look at this situation as much more bearable.

Here’s my confession: Purgatory is not exactly a happy place, but it has been a humbling place.   My “shoes” are still a little muddy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.   I’ve reached the place where I can see a little more clearly where my life is headed and am able to dig out of the tunnel and patiently await the day when I emerge into my own personal Heaven.   What does that look like?  Where will it be?  That, I can’t say for certain, but what I can say is that it looks like a bright, beautiful place.   And, after this period of refining, purging and redefining myself, I’m going to be ready.