The "F" Word...

This is an extremely emotional blog to write.  At 7:11am Central time on Saturday, July 20.   I officially entered my forties.  The day— entire weekend, actually— taught me lots of lessons about several “F” words.   I learned the meanings of Family, Forty, Future.

FAMILY:  I have learned in a very real way that “family” is not truly defined by DNA.  Family is most accurately defined by love, commonality and choice.   I saw, vibrantly, in living color, the shining examples of this over the weekend.    I am blessed to have had two other “F words” surrounding me this weekend—Fifteen Friends. These fifteen friends gathered for dinner Saturday night to mark this milestone birthday with me.  Some traveled literally just down the street, while others traveled six hours to be with me.   Each friend who came represents a different stage in my life from high school through current day.   Some watched as I struggled to come to grips with myself, some have been part of my work life, my religious conversion, and some are part of my present day.   Regardless of how these friendships developed, they all share a commonality, and that is, that these are people who know me well and love me, and are, on some level, involved in my daily life.  That is why they were chosen to be there with me.   As I have written, I don’t have a lot of contact with my family of origin, with the exception of a few cousins.  That’s why my family of choice is so important to me.  Having celebrated my 40^th birthday with these people is worth more than any amount of money.   The most important thing in my life isn’t a thing at all—it is people.  It’s people who love me, care about me and would drop everything for me at a moment’s notice.  If I learned nothing else this weekend, I learned in a very real way that I am loved.

  

FORTY: I never fretted turning 40.  I’m excited about entering this new decade of my life, and let’s face it—there’s only one way to assure we don’t face 40—and that’s to not be alive.   And, so, I embraced it.   And, in embracing it, I found much joy in reminiscing, looking forward and behind at my life.   I believe the past-with its mistakes, its successes and everything in between, lead me to the life I have today.  Age is a state of mind.   I really believe that the best is yet to come as I settle into this new decade of life.

FUTURE:  Not a single one of us is promised tomorrow. We just aren’t.   But, as far as I can see, the future is bright.  It’s a clean slate, and I’m working on making small goals, and getting ready to achieve them.  Answering the important questions I have for myself is my main goal.  

Here’s my confession:  My 40^th Birthday was absolutely one of the best days of my life.   I was surrounded by my closest friends, and, if never before, that very night I found that night that I have so many people who truly love me. I’ve learned that I am a very blessed man.   The past 40 posts have been an incredible experience in writing, and reposting some of my favorite blogs have been as much of a journey for me to know myself better, as it has also been for several people.

Thank you for reading, and please  check back for more posts coming up.   I’ve found a few new series I would like to be explore.   Keept checking for it.  

       

LEO VITAE

“Leo vitae” is Latin for evaluation of life.  There are a few times of the year I like to call benchmarks.  These are the times that I regularly gather my thoughts, evaluate who and where I am, and set new resolutions, goals and plans and create a new strategy.   Traditionally, there are three of these for me each year.   The first is January 1—the time everyone makes “New Year’s Resolutions”.  The second is the season on the liturgical calendar called “Lent”.  For those of you unfamiliar with “Lent”, is the six weeks from Ash Wednesday to Holy Thursday.   Christian tradition holds that this is a time of the year when the faithful “give up” something in their lives that hold them back spiritually, in order to grow.   For me, I usually use “Lent” as a time to take on something rather than giving something up.  One of my common Lenten sacrifices is to force myself to go to the gym more or to possibly spend more time writing my prayers (because I seldom speak my prayers, I write letters to God).   The third time of the year begins on July 20, which is my birthday.   I use that date as a springboard from which to jump with new ideas, to eliminate things that I don’t need in my life, to embrace the things that I do need, and to say “Ok, where am I today? Where do I want to be in three months, six months? A year?”

And so, today is the last day of my 30s.  It is time to not only evaluate where I am for my birthday, for the next year, but to set goals and develop a roadmap for the next decade.  Am I happy with where I am?  Yes and No.   Is there room for growth?  Always.   Is the person I am today different from the person I was a decade ago?  Definitely.  How so?  I’ve been through a long-term relationship; I’ve moved around the city a few times, I’m more independent than I was when that last relationship ended five years ago. I have more people in my life now than ever before, I have a few very close friends—which is something I’ve never really had before.

The thirties were a transitional time for me.  I’ve grown as a person, as a musician, and as a friend.  I’ve lost people along the way. There have been estrangements. On the whole, the thirties have me poised to move into my forties poised to create a better life for myself. And, I believe I have, at this point in my life, a better support system than I have ever had at any point before. 

Here’s my confession:  I’m still working out the specifics of where my forties will take me.  But, as I look at this benchmark, I look at it with a great deal of hope for my future. I am more confident now than I ever have been and know that I can and will make changes in my life. I can make a difference not only in my own life, but in the lives of others.  The advice I’ve been giving myself is to not take everything all in one big chunk.  That’s the only way to be successful. 

And so, I’m formulating the plan.  Within a few days, I’ll put all those ideas down with pen and paper, and map out the next section of my life.  I think my problem in goal setting is that I set too many goals at one time and become bogged down.  I will examine one or two things at a time that need tweaking and move to the next.  It’s my life, it’s my dream, and nothing’s gonna stop me now.

WHAT INSPIRES ME?

Topics like this can, if we aren’t careful, become banal and insincere. However, from the onset, let me say it is with utmost careful consideration that the things about which I am going to write are being shared.

Where do I find inspiration in my life?   There are several things that came immediately to mind.   The first thing, of course, is music.   Music is the language of the soul, and can inspire us regardless of the situation. Taking this a step further, I am incredibly inspired by watching and listening to great pianists.  A simple pleasure to me is going to a Jim Brickman concert—he is a master of the piano, and watching him perform makes me want to be a better pianist and musician in general.

A second source of inspiration, as you might imagine, is in quotations. Almost without fail for the last several years, I have posted some sort of quote-usually inspirational, but occasionally humorous, witty or sarcastic. I find inspiration in these quotes, yet, that’s only half of the reason I post them.   I post them for those who view my status.   While some people have expressed their dislike of my daily quotes, far more people have said to me, in some way, shape, form, or fashion, that “that quote really was what I needed today.” or “how did you know…that spoke exactly to what I am going through today.” The truth?   I generally don’t know.  It is, quite honestly, as though the quote finds me and says “Hey, post me!” and I do. When I post a quote, it is not something I do haphazardly.   Quite the contrary, I will mull over several sources of quotes if something doesn’t just jump right out at me.   So, being a source of inspiration to others with encouraging words or humor is something that gives me a great deal of inspiration and sense of purpose.

Thirdly, perhaps this is a catch-all category, but subtle things inspire me—the beauty of an Alabama sunset (it truly is a magnificent sight to behold), the kind words of a friend inspire me, and even people who are not as mobile as I am, who are of a different generation, inspire me.   Thank you, inspirers.  Now, go, make your world awesome and inspire someone, anyone    

IN THREE WORDS OR LESS: WHERE AM I?

Question: 

In three words or less, how would you describe the point you’re at in your life?

Stagnant. Transitional. Hopeful.

Here’s my confession: I sit here, three days before my 40^th birthday and I’ve been looking at topics to write about tonight.   My original topic was going to be how to I want to be remembered, but that just didn’t seem to fit me to night.   Then I found this topic “In three words or less, describe the point you’re at in your life.” and it resonated with me.  

I’ve allowed myself to become stagnant because I don’t follow up on my goals.  I’m transitional because I’m ready to make changes.   I am hopeful that life really does begin at 40.  

This may be the shortest blog I’ve ever posted.  But, the truth is that I’m at a crossroads.   I’m still growing and learning and I’m on my way. 

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Words and Actions

Silence and Inertia

We never quite related

Didn’t even know how to try.

Then and Now

Memories and Oblivion

Yesterday’s history is today’s pain

Tomorrow’s suffering leaves nothing to gain.

Blood and Off-Spring

Friends and Strangers

We shared a roof,

But never under the rafters. 

There’s an elephant in the room

We’re strangers in the midst

I don’t know how

To let it all go.

Pride and Humility

Fear and Bravery

Neither reaching beyond the chasm

To resolve this unfinished business.

I see myself standing

On the edge of a grave

Underneath an Oak, Speaking to granite

And only hearing a hollow echo.

Deep wounds of hurt

Needing a healing balm

But on this side of the beyond

We’re still lacking the courage to speak.

It’s not about this.

It’s not about that.

It’s not even about the other.

It’s just blurred lines and unfinished business.

–rkt/mjr*

Here’s my confession: Words.  Words on a page. An ambiguous, free-form poem. My confession really is that there is no confession. My confession is that the words are themselves the confession, and the words, offering personal freedom.

*signed as -rkt/mjr, written dualistically by the pseudonym and author.

ME, A NAME I CALL MYSELF

This is perhaps one of the postings I’ve been looking most forward to writing since the topic was given to me by my childhood classmate, Heather, who has in adulthood become a friend, even if from a distance through social media and text messages.  The post centers on a poem by Edgar Guest entitled “Myself". She told me that her mother taught her this poem as a child and had it memorized before she even began school. She wanted to know how I view the poem as it relates to “myself”.  

The poem is somewhat obscure, as I did a bit of research on it, and even asked my high school English teacher about it.  She taught for over 40 years and was unfamiliar with the poem, but is familiar with Edgar Guest.   This poem was a challenge in several ways to me—First I, too, decided to memorize it, and I accomplished that goal.   Secondly, as I recite the poem the words come alive for me, and I see so clearly how this poem relates to me on each level.  So, without further ado, I present to you the poem, and how it relates to me: how I live my life, how I view myself, and how I want to be viewed by others.

Myself

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun

and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf

a lot of secrets about myself

and fool myself as I come and go

into thinking no one else will ever know

the kind of person I really am,

I don't want to dress up myself in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect

I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth

I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that

I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me;

I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know,

I never can fool myself and so,

whatever happens I want to be

self respecting and conscience free.-Edward A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye; I don't want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I have done.

Essentially, my life is mine, and mine alone.  I want to be able to look at myself and see that I am worthy of knowing myself.   I want to live my life with integrity, truth, and peace.  I don’t want regrets to bog me down.   The line that strikes me most here is “I don’t want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I have done.”  I think it is often in our human nature to lick our wounds, to feel sorry for ourselves, to regret the things that we have done (or haven’t done).  I want to be able to live without regret. I want to be able to go to sleep at night with a clear mind, that I haven’t intentionally done harm to anyone or anything, that I have done my very best.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf a lot of secrets about myself and fool myself as I come and go  into thinking no one else will ever know  the kind of person I really am, I don't want to dress up myself in sham.

How much meaning does this phrase have in my life?   While I think we all probably have things in our proverbial closets that we don’t want exposed to the light, I am a gay man.   I have chosen to expose that truth to the light.  My exposing that truth to the light set me free in every way imaginable.   When I told my mother I am gay her immediate response was “I don’t have a problem with that.”   Generally, the vast majority of the people I’ve encountered in my life have reacted in much the same way.   The truth is, it’s a lot of work to not be authentic to your own self.   Staying in the closet is a lot of work.   I’m sure that some people have valid reasons for staying there, but I have to be honest, I just can’t, for the life of me, understand why.  Generally, people can tell if you are hiding a part of yourself.  Now, I want to make it clear here that I don’t want my being gay to be something that defines me, but it is an undeniably large part of who I am and, therefore, how I conduct my life.   Yet, I don’t feel that I have to broadcast this information to everyone.   If someone asks, I’m not going to lie about it. I spent many years held captive to my own fears, and it was only in surrendering that the truth really did set me free.

I want to go out with my head erect I want to deserve all men's respect; but here in the struggle for fame and wealth I want to be able to like myself. I don't want to look at myself and know that I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

Simply: I want to live my life with an integrity that commands respect, and I can only do that by being myself.  People can sense fake from a mile away.  I’d rather be me and be hated for it than being loved for someone (or some “thing” I am not).

I never can hide myself from me ;I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know, I never can fool myself and so, whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free.

The whole crux of the poem boils down to this: I have to live my life in congruency with my own values.   I know myself better than anyone else; therefore, I can’t hide things from myself.   When all is said and done, I have to answer to myself for the things I have done.  I have to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I have to lay my head down at night guilt-free, knowing that I have lived each and every day being true to my authentic self. That’s ALL that matters.

Here’s my confession:  I’ve spent the last 40 years living in my body.  I know myself better than anyone else can possibly know.  External forces can influence me, but in the end, I’m the only one who can make decisions and conduct my life in any certain way.   I know that there are people out there who do not understand me; people who don’t get me, and even people that just plain don't like me.   There are people who question my sanity for writing this blog, for posting random facts about myself on facebook, for wearing bow ties, and those probably just scratches the surface of why people scratch and shake their head about me.   The truth is that those are all elements of what make me, well, ME.  They are elements of what come together to create “Myself”.   And, while I want to deserve all men’s respect, at the end of the day, it’s MY life.   Certainly, nobody likes to be criticized for their individualism, and I’m no exception, but I ask “myself” why should I try to fit in when I was made to stand out?

A MESSAGE TO MYSELF

I texted a friend today just to see how she is doing. She texted back "just peachy...how about you..." My reply, however, was perhaps a bit more than either of us had expected.

Single. Happy, Restless. Content. Waiting. Anxious. Gentle. Hopeful. Excited. Done. Commencing. Questioning. Listening. Resting. Running. Ready. Mistaken. Understood. Certain. Doubtful. Steadfast. Relinquishing. Full. Empty. Alone. Surrounded. Trusting. Fearful. Smiling. Wondering. Conflicted. Absolute. Complacent. Active. Believing.

She replied "Wow, dude. You have a lot on your plate." I've thought about my words a good portion of today. At the risk of being mundane, I think I'm going to break down each of those words and how they relate to where I am today.

Single: unencumbered by a relationship; free of the flavors of entanglement; freedom from all things commitment. Happy: satisfied with my current lot in life, the people in my life and its overall direction. Restless: longing for something more, apprehensive about my day to day being. Content: accepting things exactly as they are in my world. Waiting: for things to change, for the inevitable, for the ever-elusive panacea. Anxious: worried about the things that are not even in my control anyway. Gentle: Accepting each day with grace and peace. Hopeful: looking forward with promise to the new tomorrows. Excited: about how far I've come and how much more of the journey is left to be completed. Done: there are days I just want to give up, give in and say “it is finished”. Commencing: the dawning of each new day is a chance for a do-over, a new beginning. Questioning: everything in life from spiritual matters, finances, relationships, who I really am. Listening: to the sage advice of dear friends and to my own heart. Resting: from thoughts that do not propel me forward. Running: from all the struggles of daily life. Ready: for change, freedom, inner peace. Mistaken: by those who do not know how to take me; Understood: by those who have taken the chance to get to know me, who see me in a different light, who see potential. Certain: of many great and wonderful things in my life, of blessing innumerable. Doubtful: of my own abilities, strengths, and influence in people's lives. Steadfast: to continue growing, to achieving my potential. Relinquishing: my fears, my boundaries, my encumbrances. Full: of love, of faith, and even a bit of fear. Empty: the feeling of nothingness, dried up, with nothing left to give. Alone: sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out here on a limb all by myself, completely devoid of anything in life. Surrounded: by friends who give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, people who care, and dare I say angels watching over me? Trusting: my gut instincts, advice from people who care. Fearful: of failure, of losing myself. Wondering: what tomorrow holds, why people care so much. Conflicted: by such a wide range of emotions, highs and lows, brick walls and smooth sailing along the highways and byways of life. Absolute: that I have within me everything I'll ever need. Complacent: about making the moves, about myself, about life. Active: in seeking opportunities to grow into the person I know I am destined to become. Believing: that tomorrow isn't promised to me, but if it comes, that I'll make it the best I possibly can, that I will be the best I can possibly be and that I AM something to someone.

Here's my confession: That's a very heavy list. Indeed, there are many things on my plate. I know that I'm not going to just wake up one morning and find all my problems have abandoned me during my rest. Instead, trials will come, and they will go. I will grow. I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am blessed with wonderful people, things and situations. Life is sometimes a bumpy road, so I'm just going to buckle my seatbelt and enjoy the ride

My second confession here is that this blog was written over four years ago and I read it with complete awe as I see how consistent my life has been.  Since this blog was originally written, there have been many new characters introduced into my life.  Life is not easy.  Life has often been compared to a dance and we have the choice to sit it out or dance, and while I am surrounded by fears, frustrations and disappointment, I am equally surrounded by support, love and faith. I believe my life is the very essence of what it means to be human, and while I have the opportunity, I am going to embrace it, live it, and do my very best to live it to the fullest extent.

(Originally composed Tuesday, May 26, 2009; Edited July 15, 2013)

 

DEAR MR. RIGHT

Dear Mr. Right,

I've waited for you for a very long time, and, as I write this, I'm still waiting. I'm not sure if we've met or not, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you nonetheless. In fact, I'm praying for both of us—that we will meet when the time is right for us, and that we will have the wisdom to recognize when time is right for us to grow together and that we will be so very happy together.

I'm certain we'll bring our own unique histories and experiences to this relationship. I hope we can build on those experiences to create a life for ourselves. We must first build a solid friendship to lay the groundwork for our success, and allow things to take a natural course as we grow together.

We must remind ourselves that love and romance are different things. Romance is that special connection we will share with one another physically. Love is what we will experience at 8:00 on Monday morning when we're running late for work, when we forget to pay a bill, when the car breaks down, or when a loved one passes away. Love is the element that will sustain us as a couple, romance, hopefully, will solidify it.

Relationships are far from easy. We must be committed to work every day to maintain and nurture the relationship. We must be able to communicate with one another, not be afraid to admit when we are wrong, and to never go to bed angry. When we make mistakes, we must be willing to learn from them for the good of the couple.

I promise to be true to you, and to love you with my whole heart. Hard times will inevitably come our way. It is how we react to those hard times that will define us as a couple and will, to a great extent, determine our future.

When we reach the point of committing to one another exclusively, we must do so with our whole hearts and with absolute certainty in our hearts. To me, love is sacred. It is a gift I do not take lightly, and something I honor with my whole being.

Here's my confession: I'm anxious to welcome you into my heart, my life, my being. Yet, at the same time, I am cautious. I'm cautious to not rush things. I want to be able to offer my whole self to you. I want ours to be a different kind of love, one that people look at and know we were meant for one another. The chorus of one of my favorite songs says "I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone, and fill it up with you, make all your joy and pain my own, no matter how deep a valley you go through. I will go there with you. And I will give myself to love the way love gave itself for me, and climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea, to the place where one heart is made from two. I will go there with you."

That, in a nutshell, is exactly how I picture true and enduring love. I want to believe with every sinew of my being that it exists. I believe it does. The choice is up to us.

Until the time comes, I'll be in the future waiting to meet you, Mr. Right.

This blog was written just months after the ending of my last long term relationship. Since it was written, I have come to understand so much more about love and how love works, and, perhaps more importantly, how love doesn’t work. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, but, for the most part, what I wrote five years ago is still very much how I feel and what I picture for my future. While I’m still waiting for Mr. Right, I’m content making myself the best me that I possibly can, and remind myself that if I don’t love myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

(Originally composed April 7, 2008; Edited July 15, 2013)

GRATITUDE

Gratitude is one of the most important things in my life.  As I’ve looked back over my life, I made a list of the things in my life for which I am most grateful. 

EDUCATION:

I’m thankful for my education.  I’ve had some really amazing teachers, many of whom I am a friend with today in some way.   Long after I have left their classrooms, they continue to influence my life with their friendships.   Perhaps one of the greatest things that my parents ever did for me with regards to my education was to have me held back a year in the 2^nd grade.  Not only did it provide me the opportunity to have a teacher who is now one of my friends, but I believe it gave me an extra year to prepare for life. I’m also thankful for the financial sacrifices of my family for my education.   I don’t know for certain, but I suspect that my grandparents paid a great amount of the expensive tuition for my private college education, and I know that my parents did as much as they could possibly do.   I only had to get student loans nearing the end of my final year of college.   I don’t take that for granted. I know I have been blessed with a wonderful education.  

FRIENDSHIPS:

I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.  However, as I got to college, I was blessed with many wonderful friends, and in my adult life, I’ve also been blessed with many amazing people.   I have a lot of acquaintances, but I am grateful for the handful of people with whom I share a close friendship.   You can’t put a price on friendships and people who love you in spite of yourself.

MUSIC:

I cannot imagine my life without music.   Music has given my life purpose, meaning, and a medium through which I can touch other people’s lives.   Music is my refuge when I can’t find a place to hide or can’t find peace.   I am grateful for my skills as a musician, the teachers and people who have influenced my artistry.

BRACES:

Ok, so it may seem like one of the craziest things for which to be grateful, but over the last few weeks, I’ve been looking at childhood pictures and am reminded of the horribly bucked front teeth I had as a child.  I’m grateful for the sacrifice that my parents made to have that corrected.  This may very well be one of the best things that my parents did for my self-esteem as a child.   I am proud of my beautiful teeth and grateful for the two years and one day that I was under orthodontic treatment.   My braces came off one month to the day after my senior pictures were made, but I wouldn’t trade the results for anything in the world.

GRANDPARENTS:

I was blessed to know all four of my grandparents and three of my great grandparents.   My maternal grandmother, at least in my eyes, was the personification of grace, class and beauty.   Although she dropped out of high school just six weeks before she graduated, she was an extremely smart person and she cared for me like nobody I’ve ever known in my entire life.   My maternal great grandmother and I spent countless hours together in my childhood.   I think in many ways we were there to watch out for one another.  From her I learned so many things about our family history I would never have otherwise known, and many things I’ll probably take to my grave with me.   My paternal grandfather was my after-school care provider.   He and I were probably as close as any male I was ever close to as a child. My paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather both played significant roles in my life, but to a lesser degree than any of my other grandparents.   I’m grateful that I was able to know these people, for the examples they provided me, and the love they showed.

FACEBOOK:

Yet another perhaps trite thing for which to be grateful, but without facebook, I wouldn’t be in touch with many of the people with whom I grew up or people from my past in general, and even people who are in my life today.    I’m grateful for the connection that facebook provides.

QUIETNESS:

I enjoy moments of quiet and solitude.   I’m grateful for the renewal of life that silence can provide.   It’s like a balm for a weary soul. Sometimes the quietness of just listening to my spirit is just what I need.

WHO I AM:

I am grateful for who I am. I am grateful for every mistake I have made, because they have provided opportunities for me to learn about and better myself.   I’m grateful for my sexual orientation.   Let me be clear-my sexual orientation does not define me.  It’s just a part of “who” I am, as much as the fact that I am white, I am a pianist, I am an American, I am Catholic. However, I am grateful for the gift of my orientation because I believe that had I not struggled to learn who I am and the struggle to acceptance.

Here’s my confession:  By and large, life has been good to me. I am blessed beyond my wildest imagination.   I have had people in my life from the very moment I took my first breath until this very day who have loved me and helped me to become who I am.   I am grateful for every broken heart, road, and dream.  Expressing gratitude is one of the most important priorities in my life.   

MY FUNERAL

Some of you are going to look at this title and think “How morbid. I don’t want to read that.” Some people just aren’t comfortable with death, and I completely understand that, but please keep reading.

If you know me well, you will know that I have a fascination with the phenomenon of death.   To me, there is no greater mystery in the world than death. It is the ONLY thing that we all have in common—we will all, at some point, die, and none of us gets a second chance to do it.   While death leaves a sting and a void, death can also be beautiful transition.  My fascination with death has been part of my life as long as I can remember.   I recall visiting the local cemetery with my paternal grandfather.   There is not a more peaceful place on earth than a cemetery.   My fascination was only made stronger when I took “Death and Dying” in college.  That course was the most insightful and useful class I took during my entire college career.

It should come as no surprise because of my fascination with death that I have been planning and revamping my funeral since I was at least 13.   My ideas have changed somewhat over the years, but what you are about to read is the vision I have for my funeral. I have entrusted my wishes to my friends Lee and Jane to oversee that my wishes are followed.  

I am not a fan of funerals held in a funeral home.  To me, they seem so generic, so contrived and lacking.   With that said, my funeral is to be held in a church. I am Catholic, so I want a full Catholic Mass. I also want an open casket visitation-again some people just aren’t comfortable viewing the deceased.  I want a black suit, my signature bow tie (it better be hand tied). However, I believe that viewing the body is an important element of closure—one of the reasons we have funerals in the first place.  

What follows is the outline of music and scriptures I have chosen for my funeral service.  Being a musician—especially a Catholic church musician certainly make it difficult to choose the music I want, but here is what I have chosen.

Opening Hymn: “All Creatures of Our God And King” (ALL 7 VERSES)

Old Testament Reading: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 23 “Shepherd Me, O God”

Epistle Reading: 2 Corinthians 13:5-14

Gospel Reading: Matthew 5:1-12 (The Beatitudes)

The Homily (sermon)

Presentation Hymn: “Blest Are They”  (all verses)

The Celebration of the Eucharist

Communion Hymn: “The Supper of the Lord”

Remarks of Remembrance

Hymn of Committal/Closing Hymn: “May the Angels” (Joncas)

Specifics that I want followed: “Amazing Grace” is under no circumstances to be sung or sung—it is, by far, my least favorite hymn of all time.   Following the funeral mass, my remains are to be cremated.   When the cremains are ready, they are to be placed in a wooden urn I have already chosen, and a service of imposition of ashes is to be held at the columbarium at Elmwood Cemetery in Birmingham, Alabama.   I do not want my body returned to Tennessee under any circumstances.  Following the imposition of the ashes at the columbarium, I want my friends to gather for a celebration of life.  

Here’s my confession: The only regret I have about my funeral is that I won’t be physically there to make sure that everything is followed as directed. But, trust me—I’m DEAD serious about that “Amazing Grace” business.  Woe be to you if you are the one oversteps that request…I’ll haunt you the remainder of your days! I expect I'll have a front row seat "spiritually" at my funeral, so trust me, I will know... 

I’ve never been afraid of death, and when it comes my time to surrender to the passing from this life, I am ready.   Granted, I’m not ready to hop on the next train out of this world, but when the time comes…  

Requiem Eternum

WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER IN 20 YEARS

Someone asked me to reflect on what I would want to remember 20 years from now.   As I’ve reflected over the last 40 years, I’ve remembered many wonderful memories, people who have left indelible marks on my life and things about which I’m not exactly proud of happening.

As I look forward to the next 20 years of my life, I’ve identified some things that I hope as I am approaching my 60^th birthday that I will look back over the next two decades and be proud of achieving.  

I believe most of all, I will want to remember the friends who have been such an important part of my life over the last 40 years and will hopefully be a part of my life going forward.   Friendship is something I truly view as a sacred gift.  Certainly, there are friends I am closer to than others, but being someone’s friend and confidant is one of the highest callings I know in this life.   I am blessed to have friends who love me in spite of myself.  It is my friends who give my life meaning and hold me up when I feel like everything else in the world is falling apart. I want to be able to remember 20 years from now that I’ve always been the friend that I would want my friends to be.

I want to remember travels that I will take.  I want to travel out of the United States.  At 40 one thing I am somewhat embarrassed to admit is that I have never been out of the country.  

I want to remember the education I will receive.  As I discussed in a previous posting, I want to further my education.   I want to look back with pride knowing that I accomplished this goal of receiving a Master’s.   Ideally, I would like to have a doctorate by the time I’m 60, but I’m going to set my sights on a Master’s and go from there.  Whatever the case, I want to do something that will make a difference in people’s lives.  While I want to earn degrees, I also want to continue to educate myself musically, by continuing to add piano repertoire and I also want learn a foreign language.

Lastly, one thing I want to look back on in 20 years is love.  I have had two long-term relationships in my life thus far, and I truly believe that the love of my life is still out there.  I don’t know if I’ve met him yet or not.  Whether I’ve met him yet or not, I am looking forward to the day when we begin writing our story as a couple.   I believe it is just a matter of time, and I believe that I am currently in the process of being made ready for that time to arrive. Maybe that sounds simplistic, but it’s how I believe.

Here’s my confession: I believe the best days of my life have yet to come.  I am excited about the future.   While I know that the future will hold the inevitable heartache and disappointments that come naturally with life, I am also confident that the happiness, peace, and, indeed, love, I long for are right there waiting for me. 

MY TOP FIVE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

While I am an only child, I really don’t want to give the impression that I had a bad childhood.   Was my childhood lonely?  Perhaps, but I think I was so accustomed to being alone that I didn’t know what I was missing until I was older.   There were a few kids in my neighborhood that I played with, but most of the time, I spent time alone, doing my own thing. I suppose, as childhoods go, mine was fairly normal.   I spent vast amounts of time with grandparents, and to me that was perfectly normal.  As I’ve written this blog series, I’ve often wondered how it came to be that I spent so much time with grandparents-did my parents just need somewhere for me to go and they dumped me off, did my grandparents ask for me to come, or with my great grandmother, was we there to watch one another?

Narrowing down a list of my five favorite childhood memories was actually a relatively simple and amusing process.  

CHRISTMAS:

To me, Christmas was, I believe, everything that Christmas is supposed to be to a child-Magical, Memorable and Perfect.  Most of my memories of the greatest Christmases ever occurred in the early 1980s.  Christmas Eve was the time that my mother’s side of the family would gather.  Most of the time the holidays were held at what could be referred to as “The Old Home Place”…my grandparent’s “old” place in Pine Orchard where, after my grandparents moved to McMinn County from the late 1970s through the late1980s, my aunt Jean lived in their home until she and my uncle moved into the house they were building. Christmas 1981 stands out in my mind.  I recall spending Christmas Eve with my mother, grandfather and Great Grandmother visiting cemeteries in the Catoosa Wildlife Management Areas on the Cumberland Plateau.  I recall vividly that it was a cloudy, snowy day as we visited the graves of my great-great grandparents in Hebbertsburg Cemetery in Cumberland County and Great Grandfather and Great-Great Grandparents in the Catoosa Cemetery.  Later, we returned to the old home place in Pine Orchard where our family gathered to celebrate the traditional Christmas Meal and exchanging of gifts.  That year, I received my first Bible from my Great Grandmother. 

In 1984, when the old home place became vacant, my Great Grandmother moved there.  She and I were very close. I would spend most of the Christmas Holiday with her.  I recall watching holiday movies together on TV (back in the days before cable and VCRs).   My favorite memories are those Christmases after she moved back.  The holiday was always held at her house.  My grandparents would arrive on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, the music would be playing from the stereo with wall-to-wall holiday music coming from WIVK in Knoxville.   The family would gather.  I can still taste the turkey, ham, green beans, sage dressing, mashed potatoes and lime-green frozen punch with ginger ale.  The festivities would begin around 5 or 6 PM, and it wasn’t just a gathering of family, but it was, it seemed, a gathering of the community.   I recall my aunt’s mother in law and father in law would drop by, as would friends of the family in droves.  I don’t think it would be unreasonable to say that we could have 25 or more people coming and going throughout the evening.  That may not really sound like a lot, but for a family of 9 or 10 people, that’s a lot.   Everyone was welcome, everyone had a great time. Christmas with this side of my family in my childhood mind was epic.  While I’m sure that it took a lot of effort to pull off the feast, the gifts and everything else involved, which was something as a child, I didn’t know anything about.   It was family before family became convoluted.   My favorite Christmases occurred between 1981 and 1987.  After 1987 Christmas never seemed the same.  Maybe it is because the magic of Christmas had somehow lost its spark.  Maybe it is because the individuals who would drop by married and had families of their own.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that Christmas, in those tender childhood years personified what a “Tender Tennessee Christmas” was all about to me.

MY 13^TH BIRTHDAY:

For my 13^th Birthday my parents took me on what may have been the best vacation we ever took.  It may sound trite as I attempt to relate it, but to this child turning 13, it was beyond incredible. We traveled a couple of hours west of home to Nashville, TN.  For my birthday, we toured the Ryman Auditorium, went to Opryland Amusement Park and even went to a performance of the Grand Ole Opry!   To a young Country Music Fan, I could have died and gone on to Heaven right then and there. I had lived my life! Actually, this particular birthday, and my parents might even be dismayed to learn, was more memorable and outstanding than the trip we took on my 12^th Birthday to Disney World.  Yes, yes, it was.

GREAT GRANDMA’S BIRTHDAY:

I can’t recall the exact year, but I think it was probably in 1985, when I was staying with my Great Grandmother (as I often did in the summer).  I somehow talked her into baking a cake. If this was 1985, she would have been 75 at the time.   Once the cake was made…and I helped her make it, I sent her out to get the mail.  It was a long walk up the driveway to the mailbox—so I was buying myself some time—I locked her out of her own house (and back in those days, the doors were NEVER locked) When she returned from the mailbox, I opened the door after she begged me to let her in. I had decorated the entire dining room in streamers and throw her a birthday party.   I don’t know if she knew the whole time what I was doing and just played along, or if she was blissfully oblivious to what was going on, but I know that June 24 was a special memory for me, and I can only hope that it was a special day for my special lady with whom I spent so many wonderfully amazing childhood experiences.  

BUFFALO BOOGERS: THE ULTIMATE PRACTICAL JOKE:

Growing up as the youngest of six grandchildren on my dad’s side of the family certainly came with its downsides. When I was may 7 or 8 my cousins, Dean and Clayton, decided one afternoon that they would throw pickled pimentos (I believe) at me in our grandparents’ living room. They told me they were “Buffalo Boogers”.   After several minutes of being pelted with these disgustingly slimly “things”, I began gagging and ran from the front end of the house to the back porch (it was a zig/zag pattern from point A to point B) and puked my guts out.   It’s been one of those running jokes all these years.

THE WALKS AND TALKS:

The walks and talks I would take with my great grandmother into the woods have to be some of my greatest childhood memories.  While I am not an extremely outdoorsy, there was a vast amount of fields and acres upon acres of wooded area we could explore.   We would walk and talk and it is from her that I learned so many family “secrets”.   I spent a large amount of time on the weekends, holiday breaks and just about any time I could with her.  I didn’t see her the last few years of her life, but I visited her with my letters, and her mind was not extremely agile, because she would tell me in her letters of people who had come to see her that I knew had not.  I often hope that I visited her in her dreams, so she knew I was there in her thoughts.  I never told her that I am gay, and I wonder if she knew, or if she was completely oblivious?  I mean, she did allow me to play dress-up all day long when she lived with my grandparents and made sure I had things cleaned up by the time my grandfather returned home from work.  And, well, much to the chagrin of my grandfather, maybe we didn’t always get everything put away…

Here’s my confession:  In retrospect, my childhood was good. I had grandparents who loved me. I had parents who provided for me and loved me as much as they possibly could. It wasn’t the perfect childhood by any stretch of the imagination, but as I am getting older, I am thankful for the childhood had.  I’m thankful for the people involved who shaped me into the person I am today.   I don’t know that I would change a lot, even if I could.   What I do know for certain is that writing this and reliving the memories has made me smile with gratitude.   

WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK?

Aspirations, goals, plans, vision—I think we all have them. I know I do.  And here, as I am on the edge of 40, I pause to ask myself what are my hopes and dreams for the future, and furthermore, what exactly is it that is holding me back from achieving all the things I want to achieve?  

I’ve achieved many things in my life.  I have a Bachelor’s Degree.  I own a baby grand piano.  I play piano for a church. These were all, at some point, things I wanted to achieve, and I did.  Yet, there is still a sense inside me of something more…

What are my biggest dreams?

Education: I want to further my education.  I want at least a Master’s degree.  I’ve kicked around the idea of teaching—I’d love to teach English/Writing, or maybe English as a Second language.   Why do I want to do it? I want to do it for at least two reasons…my dream has always been to teach.   Secondly, I don’t feel like I was as focused as I should have been on my education when I completed my Bachelor’s degree. I want to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can do it. What’s holding me back? There are several things.  The voices in my head that compete with one another saying, “You can’t do that” or “You’d be perfect at that”.  Then there are the external voices from friends that compete with one another “You would be an excellent teacher.” or “Don’t become a teacher.”  Then there are the issues of time and finances.  It’s something I really think about almost daily.   Whatever the case, I do want to further my education, if only for my own edification.

Finances:  I want to work on creating a budget, sticking to the budget, reducing and eliminating my debt, and hopefully within the next year or so being able to buy a house of my very own. What’s holding me back? Fear. The fear of sitting down and looking at numbers, mostly.   While it’s not as daunting a tasking as it seems in my mind, it’s one of those necessary evils in my life.

Fitness: I don’t want to be bulky and ripped, but I want to make healthy food choices, work out for my health and to keep myself toned.   What holds me back? Myself.  I talk myself out of working out sometimes. No matter how much I try to keep myself accountable, sometimes I still falter. I just joined a new gym, and have started a new routine.   I just have to keep myself motivated.

Here’s my confession:  These are just three things that eat away at me almost every single day of my life. In the spirit of full disclosure, there is a fourth item, but I am keeping that in the silence of my heart and mind.   Those who know me best will know the area of my life where I am holding back. Suffice it to say, that’s a personal demon with which I also wrestle each and every day. The true confession here is that in every area there is a common factor: I am my own worst enemy.   I have to learn to abandon my fears, embrace my dreams, and in some cases, cast off my pride. Only in surrendering to the positive voices inside my head am I ever going to be able to become all I ever want to be.