INDEPENDENCE DAY

Today is the day in the United States of America when we celebrate our nation’s Independence from Britain by the signing of the Declaration of Independence.   And, while it would probably be fitting for me to write about what freedom means and has meant to me over the last nearly 40 years, the independence I will examine tonight is my own.

I don’t know the reason, but I’ve always been both a loner and co-dependent.   I suppose the loner comes from being an only child, but the co-dependence stems from my own insecurities in previous relationships.   While my relationship with Edward wasn’t an extreme example of co-dependence, my relationship with Parker was.   However, I think that was made our relationship tick as long as it did.  I was co-dependant and Parker needed someone who needed him.  We were rarely apart except when we were at our jobs.  However, he did have Fridays to himself because he worked Sunday-Thursday.  

Following our break-up, I connected with friends we had shared as a couple.   One friend said that he had never known I could really talk or had anything to say because Parker did all the talking for us.   And, well, I allowed it. I allowed it because I didn’t want to lose him, and it was my way of making the relationship work—or at least so I thought.  

A couple of years ago, while dating a guy and realizing to myself that it wasn’t going to work out, I attempted to break up.    He said to me “Your problem is that you are too damned independent.” He didn’t mean it as a compliment, but I took a lot of pride in that knowing just how much I had changed. I thanked him and went my own way.

Here’s my confession:  The day I was told that I was TOO INDEPENDENT was my Independence Day.  It was the day that I realized that I am now in control of my life, and am not at the mercy of someone else to live it for me.  Maybe it is why I am still single, five and a half years after Parker and I parted ways, I’m not certain.

Of what I am certain is that I went from one extreme to a completely different one.  I went from being so wrapped up in the other person to being too fiercely independent.   I’m working now to find that happy medium, to strike a balance.   I want to love again, and I want to be ready.   I don’t want to be co-dependant ever again, and I don’t want to be too independent that I am aloof.  I want to be able to be my own person, and yet be a couple at the same time.  It is possible, and it is going to happen, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, and for the rest of my life...