WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK?

Aspirations, goals, plans, vision—I think we all have them. I know I do.  And here, as I am on the edge of 40, I pause to ask myself what are my hopes and dreams for the future, and furthermore, what exactly is it that is holding me back from achieving all the things I want to achieve?  

I’ve achieved many things in my life.  I have a Bachelor’s Degree.  I own a baby grand piano.  I play piano for a church. These were all, at some point, things I wanted to achieve, and I did.  Yet, there is still a sense inside me of something more…

What are my biggest dreams?

Education: I want to further my education.  I want at least a Master’s degree.  I’ve kicked around the idea of teaching—I’d love to teach English/Writing, or maybe English as a Second language.   Why do I want to do it? I want to do it for at least two reasons…my dream has always been to teach.   Secondly, I don’t feel like I was as focused as I should have been on my education when I completed my Bachelor’s degree. I want to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can do it. What’s holding me back? There are several things.  The voices in my head that compete with one another saying, “You can’t do that” or “You’d be perfect at that”.  Then there are the external voices from friends that compete with one another “You would be an excellent teacher.” or “Don’t become a teacher.”  Then there are the issues of time and finances.  It’s something I really think about almost daily.   Whatever the case, I do want to further my education, if only for my own edification.

Finances:  I want to work on creating a budget, sticking to the budget, reducing and eliminating my debt, and hopefully within the next year or so being able to buy a house of my very own. What’s holding me back? Fear. The fear of sitting down and looking at numbers, mostly.   While it’s not as daunting a tasking as it seems in my mind, it’s one of those necessary evils in my life.

Fitness: I don’t want to be bulky and ripped, but I want to make healthy food choices, work out for my health and to keep myself toned.   What holds me back? Myself.  I talk myself out of working out sometimes. No matter how much I try to keep myself accountable, sometimes I still falter. I just joined a new gym, and have started a new routine.   I just have to keep myself motivated.

Here’s my confession:  These are just three things that eat away at me almost every single day of my life. In the spirit of full disclosure, there is a fourth item, but I am keeping that in the silence of my heart and mind.   Those who know me best will know the area of my life where I am holding back. Suffice it to say, that’s a personal demon with which I also wrestle each and every day. The true confession here is that in every area there is a common factor: I am my own worst enemy.   I have to learn to abandon my fears, embrace my dreams, and in some cases, cast off my pride. Only in surrendering to the positive voices inside my head am I ever going to be able to become all I ever want to be.