IT'S NOT OVER

It might seem to the outsider that my life is amazing, like everything is perfect...like I'm living the dream. It may seem like I love Nashville. It may seem that the last year of my life has been something to be envied. 

The truth is that it has been a difficult year. Maybe difficult isn't the best word. Perhaps challenging is the right word. Leaving behind the familiarity of Birmingham is still difficult. I've lost much along this journey. I have packed and moved my belongings three times since October, 2015. First, I lived with M and KD until they moved to Ohio, then with J and J for 6 months, and now I'm at what I hope is my long-term spot with K.

I've shed tears. This is huge, because for several years, for one reason or another, I've not been able to cry. Yet, I wept the day I pulled off the interstate in Birmingham to get gas as I was going to meet the movers delivering my items to Nashville. I cried for many miles as I made my way north. I cried for the unknown. I cried for what I was leaving behind-my life of 18 years, the city I call home, my church, my family of choice.

I cried after moving in my current address...because the weight of life hit one night. It was one of those nothing is really wrong cries, just one of those cleansing cries where the one thing just sets the exact domino effect. I cried silently, alone in my room, while texting the play-by-play to a friend. While attempting to be discreet and quiet, my roommate could hear me from the other room. He did check on me to make sure I was ok before he went to bed. It was a sweet and tender moment.

I cried again on a recent trip to Birmingham. I cried on the trip down, I cried as I spoke to friends from my church. I lost my cool. I channeled my frustrations into what may have been my greatest-ever piano performance. I cried so much that weekend, perhaps because the weekend coincided with the anniversary of the events that led to my leaving Birmingham. So many vivid memories of conversations, experiences, and sheer depths of pain I felt a year ago came rushing in on me.

I cried again last week as I left the vehicle registration office with my new license plate in hand, as it was just another reminder of how a chapter of my life has ended. And then the thought occurred to me that perhaps it is those chapters of our lives we don't really want that actually allow us the most room to grow...

Moving is not an experience I wanted. But, again, life happened. I lost a job that I thought I was doing very well at, a job I was recruited to for many months, but it was determined after less than 90 days that I "wasn't a good fit." Something about that experience, well, if I'm being honest, EVERYTHING about that experience, did a number to my psyche. For the first three or so months I was in Nashville, I was applying for jobs, but lived in absolute fear that someone would actually call me and I would have to go to an interview--or perhaps even worse, I would be offered a job...and then possibly fail again. How could I possibly do that? How could I possibly put myself back out there like that? The pain and sense of loss, the fear of failure was one of the most paralyzing experiences I've ever known.

I've been blessed...I suppose I've experienced beauty rising from the ashes. On a whim in January, I decided to listen to what my gut had been telling me to do all along-apply with Target. So, I sat down and did the application online. A few days later, I received a call asking me if I'd be interested in an interview for a part-time position...about 15 hours a week...a position which would be about 3 days a week....unloading the truck....at 4am. Sure, I mean, I haven't worked in like four months, so I'm game. I went for the interview, and was hired on the spot. My career at Target was beginning. So I proved myself on the truck team, spoke up and said I wanted to try out cashiering, so I added that to my skill set and absolutely LOVED cashiering. It's become a passion. I was then approached about interviewing for an open position as Guest Services Attendant, which is basically an entry-level management position overseeing all things related to the operation of the front end of the store. I was offered the position and have been in the position a little less than two months at this point. It's been a huge experience for me. I learn something new every single day. The work is hard, but I have a great team around me. I have great managers who are all about helping me succeed and grow with the company, which, yes, is something I want to do. I get to mentor new team members, and hopefully inspire them on their journeys.

I have many dear friends and many companions on this journey, but perhaps the companion who has helped me get through the toughest moments is a lady affectionately known as "Grandma" at my church in Birmingham. On a trip to Birmingham in the spring, she told me words I hear and repeat to myself every single day "You had to move to Nashville because there were people you had to meet, lives you needed to touch and lives who needed to touch you. When all of that is complete, God can bring you back to Birmingham...or wherever your next step is." Those words. Simple. True. Comforting. Every. Single. Day. Her words confirmed what I've found to be an important passage of scripture. Most everyone knows Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you..." but who knows the verses that come after it? That's where the real meat of the passage lives. You see, the verses after verse 11 go on to say that God has it all planned out..and when we get serious, God will turn things around for us...to bring us home..."

Here's my confession: The last year of my life has been difficult, challenging, and to say life-changing is an understatement. The greatest accomplishment of which I can boast is that I am still standing. Have there been days I was ready to give up? Absolutely. Did I honestly expect to still be in Nashville almost one year after I moved? Probably not. I was giving it 6-9 months when I arrived. And then God said "Ok. you stick with that. Let's see how that works out for you." As it turned out, it didn't work out so well. None of the jobs for which I applied in Birmingham panned out...because looking back, they weren't supposed to. None of MY plans worked out. So, enter surrender to the universe, to God, to the Sacred. Enter surrender to all things over which I thought I had any control, any things over which I felt like I had any inkling of power. The truth is that my life was in a huge rut in Birmingham. I had silent struggles about which very few know. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. I now know that. I saw a meme recently that said something to the effect of "One day you'll look back and realize why none of those other plans ever worked out...they weren't supposed to."

I've cried more in the last year than I can ever remember crying in my life. I've found some really happy moments, but I've lived through some really sad ones, too. I've found out who my real friends are. I've found out that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I've found out that I have lessons to teach others; I have lessons to learn from others. What I hope everyone in my life knows is that my aim is to be genuine. I’m quick-witted, sometimes misunderstood, but at the end of the day, what you see me post online is me. My daily quotes are there to remind me about the struggle of life, my observations about life are there to keep me laughing. I’ve found that more often than not, these things touch others, and that is a great thing.  I've found that moving once is daunting. I've found that moving twice is ridiculous. I've found that moving three times in a nine-month period of time is overkill. I've found that people are put in my life for a reason. I've found that I'm never alone. There is a reason for every single one of the 525,600 minutes which make up a year.  And, most of all, I've learned that it's not over yet.

RUNNING

Running, I was, from the past. 

Running, I am, from the present.

Running, I am, around the future.

Running, I was, from the villein. 

Running, I am, from the voices.

Running, I am, around the vices.

Running, I was, from the shadows.

Running, I am, from the shame.

Running, I am, around the space.

Running, I was, from the failures,

Running, I am, from the fears.

Running, I am, around the feelings.

Running, I was, from the darkness.

Running, I am, from the death.

Running, I am, around the light. 

Running, I was, from the morning.

Running, I am, from the night. 

Running, I am, around the day. 

Running, I was, from the truth.

Running, I am, from the truth. 

Running, I am, around the lies.

Running, I was, from yesterday.

Running, I am, from tomorrow.

Running, I am, around today. 

Running. I was, from the melody.

Running, I am, from the sound.

Running, I am, around the song. 

Running. I was. From.

Running. I am. From.

Running. I am. Around. 

Running.

Here's my confession: This poem I wrote poured out of me a few weeks ago while I was driving. I picked up my phone and immediately began dictating it in my notepad, I arrived at home and sat on the front step for about 20 minutes and finished it. The inspiration was a phrase a former co-worker told me.  He said there's really only two questions that should be asked in a job interview: "What are you running from?" and "What are you running to?".   I've thought of that a lot. And, I admit that in life, I have done a lot of running. I think if we are honest, we all do. We don't want to face our own demons.  We are running around looking for something more, something less. Something. And, we are always running. Afraid of what stopping might bring us. We are afraid of dealing head-on with the reality of our lives. I confess that I am running. To. From. Around.  How about you? What does the journey of your life look like? 

FIVE BULLET GRATITUDE FRIDAY 02.05.16

In the midst of this incredible Journey, I pause this week to reflect on the things for which I am most grateful this week.

This week I am grateful for:

·      JOURNEY

I suppose I’ve always been on a Journey of sorts, but at this particular point in my life I am on an incredibly intentional Journey to find my passion, purpose, and place in this world. At this juncture, I have landed in Nashville.  I do not know if Nashville where I land for the long-term. The only thing that is certain in the journey is uncertainty.  As the saying goes, “I’m not going to say it’s going to be easy, I’m saying it’s going to be worth it.”  I believe that phrase with all my being. It’s the subtle nuances in my every day life that are making the purpose and ultimate outcome of this Journey clear.

·      FRIENDSHIPS

Yes, I know that I included Friends in my list last week, but I would be incredibly remiss were I not to mention the impact of my friends in my life. I have incredible people in my life and I was reminded of this fact many times over the last week. Friends serve as sounding boards, springboards, and shelter. Friends see things in me that I don’t see. Friends are the family we get to choose, and those bonds are often much thicker than blood. I’m very fortunate and grateful for the people who are in my life.  Everyone is there for a reason, if they are there for years or days or minutes.

·      MUSIC

The music on my playlist this week has been music that is about finding my path, my way, my journey. It’s included some upbeat happy “Everything’s Gonna be Alright”, some prayers such as “Show Me The Way” and “Place In This World” and some downright melancholy music such as Adele’s “All I Ask”.  Somehow, when ordinary words fail, music picks up the slack. Music is the universal language. We never really know where a song is going to meet us on our Journey.  The song that made us laugh one day take us over the edge in tears the next. That’s one of the most amazing things about music.

·      KIND WORDS:

This week I have had lots of kind words communicated to me. A friend from high school messaged me the other day and told me that I make their life better with my upbeat attitude and that they wish they were more like me. I had at least a couple of people ask me to pray for them. We are all in this together, and I’m grateful that the universe is using me to be part of enhancing someone else’s journey.

·      QUOTE THAT SPOKE TO ME:

The quote that I shared this week that most spoke to me is this quote by Steve Jobs. It touches me deeply, because everything in my life at this point is truly about trusting that everything is going to come together. I can’t see the big picture, and that causes me to rely on my faith, my gut, and an unseen hand guiding my path.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”-Steve Jobs

Here’s my confession: While there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, I hang on because I know that better days are just over the horizon. I’m flattered that people say that they want to be like me, but honestly, I struggle plenty. I can assure you that my life isn’t all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes it’s mostly cloudy with tornados and every rose I touch has thorns that stick me.  However, in taking time to embrace the sunshine and smell the roses, I’m able to adopt a much more positive outlook on the not so sunny days when the roses have faded away to oblivion.  Happiness is a choice.   Our circumstances may try to throw us off course, and sometimes, even our best laid plans fail. Sometimes we wake up and are just a Grumpy Gus, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What we have to remember, is that if we choose gratitude over wallowing in our self-pity, we are going to come out much better. You may be the only light someone sees all day long. Do you want them to see darkness or light?

You may be asking how to be more grateful.   And I’m glad you did.  One method I have employed for at least a couple of years is keeping a gratitude journal. At the end of the day, before you go to sleep, simply write down three good things that happened that day. Over time, you’ll notice a change in your life, and that change will be positive, and it’s because you are living from a place of gratitude.

FIVE BULLET GRATITUDE FRIDAY 01.29.16

FIVE BULLET GRATITUDE FRIDAY 01.29.16

I am taking an idea from a popular blog I read.  The author sends out a “Five Bullet Friday” email each week telling five things he’s working on, what inspired him during the week, a product he has found, etc.  In keeping with the theme that I started when I began blogging several years ago, I have decided to adapt his approach in my weekly “Gratitude Blog”. 

This week I am grateful for:

•      FRIENDSHIPS

Relationships are something I try to never take for granted. I strive to be the friend that a friend wants to have. I want to be there to provide support, laughter, and most of all, love.   Most of my friends and I do not live close to one another. We are scattered in different places throughout the country. Therefore, the vast majority of our correspondences are via text messages or interactions on facebook.  What I truly love about friendships is a connection that is deep.  This week I’ve been in touch with several friends each day.  Those who take time out of their busy day to just say “Hey…thinking about you.”  or “ How’s it going?” are golden to me. I’m grateful that I have more than one person in my life who truly cares about me, because no matter how alone I feel in the world, the truth is, that I have people in many different directions who truly care about me, my well-being and listen to what is going on.

•       MUSIC

I am a musician. I am a pianist, I am a vocalist. I’m grateful for the moments I had time to really sit down and practice my passion, the piano, this week. Even though I have studied music for more than two decades, I have areas of weakness-rhythm. I have been able to sit down and concentrate with a metronome in hopes of continually improving-especially in the areas where I am weakest. I’m grateful for the musical skills I have been given. I’m grateful for opportunities I’ve had in the past to share the skills on a larger scale, and for the patience my roommates give me as I give them mini concerts and when they hear “well, crap!” when I hit a wrong note or can’t just nail a rhythm.

•       THINKING

A friend told me today in a text “you’re always thinking”.  It’s true. I’m always thinking. I’m always trying to figure out how to be a better version of myself. I’m not always successful, and in the spirit of being completely honest, there are often way too many things I want to do to make my life more the way I want it to be that I often just spin my wheels. But I am grateful for the ability to think, to attempt to put things in perspective for myself. I’m a work in progress. Always.

•      HOME

I’m grateful for my roommates who have unselfishly made a place for me in my transition here in Nashville.  We call ourselves the Golden Girls…and since I haven’t been able to come up with names for them for the purpose of the blog, I’ll refer to them by their character names: Dorothy and Sophia. I’m so grateful to share a space with you, and thanks for never tiring of my stories of St. Olaf. You’ve both taught me so much about life in less than two months. Thanks for welcoming Rose into the house.

•       QUOTE THAT SPOKE TO ME:

Almost everyday I post at least one quote on facebook. The purpose is primarily to encourage myself where I am on my own personal Journey, but there’s often a ripple effect with the quotes I share.  I always say the quotes find me. This quote spoke to me deeply this week, and truly exemplifies my passion for living with intention:

"The mindless junk of your past crowds out opportunities and sets pointless limitations. Move out the junk, and you create room for the rest of your life. Ultimately, it's not just a question of tidying your house; it's a question of liberating your heart."—Merlin Mann

Here’s my confession: It may look like I’m a happy person from my facebook posts. I may look like I have everything together. It may appear that I never have a bad day. Sometimes I do complain. Sometimes I do get discouraged. Sometimes I keep those thoughts to myself or to my own private journal entries. The truth of the matter is that I’m as broken as the next guy. I am a flawed, vulnerable, scared man just trying to live in the only thing that is guaranteed: This. Present. Moment. There are times that I fret. There are times that I worry. There are times that I don’t understand where I’m headed.  I confess that sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees. Sometimes I am a “glass half empty” kind of guy.  At my darkest moments, I try to have a positive perspective. I would lose what I have of my mind were I to not adopt this perspective.  Sometimes, even looking at things from a positive vantage point, I still feel hopeless. But…Everything shall pass. Everything works out exactly as it is supposed to. Everything is made beautiful in its own time. That doesn’t mean that I have permission to sit on the sidelines and just let things happen. I have to be active, and for me, the greatest activity in which I can engage myself is being grateful for the experiences that come my way. Living life with a grateful heart is the key to unlocking a life of whole-hearted living, and I challenge you to do the same.

HELLO

“Hello, it’s me.  I was wondering if you would like to meet to go over everything...”

About all the running from life you’ve been doing, the procrastination, the distractions you create for yourself? Can we go over the fears—of rejection, failure, and vulnerability? Can we talk about what really tears you apart—the search for love, the loss of your job, your move, the incessant need for validation? How about those voices that love to taunt you?   You know them—they are the voices inside your head who love to taunt you at the slightest sign of doubt or weakness, and sometimes even at the moment of complete happiness.  I can see that you are pondering your purpose, second guessing decisions, asking if you are really where you belong.  I can see that you are bogged down by “stuff”-an overabundance of possessions you don’t really need or want, the desire to purge, and then only adding more things on top of what is already too much. It’s all too much. It’s all extraneous. It’s all mind clutter.

Here’s my confession: Above is a paraphrase of an actual conversation (journal entry) I had with myself a few weeks ago. Since I last wrote on my blog, so many things have changed. I’m in the midst of what I can only call a “Journey”.  I’ve changed jobs, I’ve lost the job I went to. I’ve moved to another city and state. I’ve gone from living alone to living with other people.  I’m looking for a job, and learning to listen to myself.

A question I’m often asked is “Why did you leave Birmingham?” The short answer is that it was time for a change. It was time to escape from my comfort zone. I’ve found that to be such an incredibly humbling experience. I’ve found that you can change your address, but the demons away from which you run always know your forwarding address. I love Birmingham, and suppose I always will. I don’t know if I have moved permanently or just for this season of my life. I spent 18 years in Birmingham, and that is the majority of my adult life. That of which I am certain is that I know that after lots of contemplation, personal journaling and prayer, that where I am today is exactly where I need to be on this Journey.   Going back to Birmingham at this juncture would be one of the greatest disservices I could do to myself. I do not know why I am in Nashville. That part has not been revealed to me. It is my faith that is keeping me strong. It is my network of friends both near and far who lift me up. It is my own courage that keeps me grounded. It is a courage that as author Mary Anne Radmacher says “doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”  Leaving my comfort zone is one of the most essential elements of my Journey. It is also one of the most painful.

I’ve been lost and searching for a long time, even before leaving Birmingham.  There is mental clutter that is blinding me. There are lots of “things” in my life that keep me from living to my full potential.  Over the last year I have eliminated so much physical clutter in my life. I have purged so many things. My goal is to simplify my life. For Lent last year I gave up clutter. And I purged, and I purged, and I purged a little bit more. Then it came time for me to move. And I purged, and I purged, and I purged a little more.  And still I purge. Yet, it seems that the more I eliminate, the more I acquire. I have become such a fan of Marie Kondo, who wrote the incredible books “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and “Spark Joy”.  In short, she says to only keep those things that spark joy. Ignore sentimentality, store things in a certain way. And while some of my friends have looked at me like I have completely lost my mind, still I work diligently eliminating clutter, searching for peace and making my living space a place that sparks joy. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of effort. And so I continue to work diligently to spark joy in my life.

I think my greatest accomplishment to date has been being a church pianist. I am being honest with everyone and myself when I admit that I am far from perfect as a musician. Giving up my position as a church pianist in Birmingham was the most agonizing decisions of my move. Finding a pianist position in Nashville has not been forthcoming, but I’ve also realized that it is a time for me to be ministered to in the pew. I’m fortunate that my childhood dream has been realized, having been a pianist. And I hope one day to return to that role somewhere.

I’ve met some amazing people on this Journey in Nashville. One of the first people I met was Kevin, who is the best friend of one of my roommates.  Kevin is, among many other amazing things, a singer/songwriter. One truth I’ve learned in my Journey is in a song lyric written by Kevin: “Sometimes you gotta wave ‘goodbye’ to say ‘hello’, you gotta say ‘yes’ to say ‘no’.” And, so it is with my life. And so on the journey continues, this is my story, this is my song...

DEAR GRANDMA 2015

April 17, 2015

Dear Grandma,

We reach another milestone today:  the 15th anniversary of your death.  The memory is as vivid as yesterday, but the reality is that it is long past. 

I always choose to mark this day with one thing that truly connected us while you were with us on earth, and that is the written word.   I still have all of your letters from the time I left for college to the final letter you wrote a few weeks before your death.  They are organized, chronologically, by post mark.  It's one thing of the past with which I refuse to part.  Despite advances in technology and my own inclination towards a clutter-free life,  these letters Connect me, in a tangible way, to one of my greatest heroes and the biggest influences. 

You were, in this transient life, the epitome of class, grace, and life.  I know that as your eldest grandchild, I have a biased opinion. However, over the years since your death so many people have spoken such kind words about you. It would seem you left a legacy of changed lives.  You took your blessings and shared them with others.  I think of the girls you shepherded into church.  You thought nothing of going out of your way to pick up anyone needing a ride to church, especially in your later years.  You provided a place to live for friends who needed a place to stay.  You always took pride in your appearance.  You had impeccable penmanship, one of the many wonderful traits I received from you. You lived your faith to the fullest extent of your knowledge.  

You were my biggest champion.   It is because of you that I learned to play piano, and today I enjoy my dream avocation as a church pianist.  You made sure I was involved in church--you laid the foundation for me to stretch out and explore my own faith.  While my journey led me away from the Southern Baptist faith you held so strongly, I think you would be proud of how I express my faith today, in a way which differs starkly from yours.   The week of your death I was received into communion with the Roman Catholic Church, and prior to your death, you and I dialogued about it, and I think you understood then—and surely do now, that it was a natural progression for me, but my reception into the church is not where my journey ended.   My journey is one of a spiritual quest, drawing from many traditions and philosophies, it is as unique as my relationship with my creator, which I believe is how it should be.  I wish you had lived long enough to attend mass with me.  While your spirit is always with me, there are many times I have wished you were physically present to hear me play, to get enjoyment from my music.   

Last year brought a lot of change, with the death of my grandfather, your widower, it brought about a reunion, and facilitated a bit of a reconciliation with my past.   How different things would surely be were you still here among us.  How differently life would be.  While I know that my sexual orientation broke your gentle heart, I do believe that you would have gained a greater acceptance in your heart as you got older and understood more.  The world has come a long way, we are all so connected now, but there's so, so much pain, hatred, and division.   Love and acceptance had come a long way, too.  

Here's my confession:  Even now, 15 years after your journey from death to life eternal, I miss you, and there is not a single day in which you aren't remembered. Thank you for the gifts you gave-music, compassion, love, and millions of other little memories you brought me, and, in many ways, still do. You always did things your way, independently.  You are my hero.  May you rest in peace, and continue to visit me with your spirit. 

Love, 

rkt 

KYRIE ELISION

"Lord, Have Mercy" that's my prayer.   As I embark on this "September Journey", I look at roads that are familiar to me, roads that are unfamiliar and roads with which I need to reacquaint myself.   Life has a way of changing on us, usually at the time we least expect it. 

I had an experience recently in which I was challenged to confront one of my biggest fears.   I approached it with some anxiety, some fear, but in the end, with relief.  The experience changed me.  My stubbornness and hard-heartedness began chipping away.  I was forced by circumstance to let go of my own pettiness and do what was necessary.  

Here's my confession:  I had played the day over and over in my mind for eight years, and the reality of the situation was nothing like the movie in my mind.  A chapter closed.   A door has been opened.  The remainder of the story has yet to be written.  I believe the story will eventually have a happy ending.   This is not the ending I anticipated in the story a month ago, but as events progressed, it has become evident that the ending must adapt.   With courage I will look at the roads ahead of me.  Walking down the road certainly isn't going to be easy, but as I prayerfully move forward, I know that things will happen as they are to happen.  And so, I pray...

Kyrie Elision, down the road that I must travel.  

Kyrie Elision, through the darkness of the night.