HELLO

“Hello, it’s me.  I was wondering if you would like to meet to go over everything...”

About all the running from life you’ve been doing, the procrastination, the distractions you create for yourself? Can we go over the fears—of rejection, failure, and vulnerability? Can we talk about what really tears you apart—the search for love, the loss of your job, your move, the incessant need for validation? How about those voices that love to taunt you?   You know them—they are the voices inside your head who love to taunt you at the slightest sign of doubt or weakness, and sometimes even at the moment of complete happiness.  I can see that you are pondering your purpose, second guessing decisions, asking if you are really where you belong.  I can see that you are bogged down by “stuff”-an overabundance of possessions you don’t really need or want, the desire to purge, and then only adding more things on top of what is already too much. It’s all too much. It’s all extraneous. It’s all mind clutter.

Here’s my confession: Above is a paraphrase of an actual conversation (journal entry) I had with myself a few weeks ago. Since I last wrote on my blog, so many things have changed. I’m in the midst of what I can only call a “Journey”.  I’ve changed jobs, I’ve lost the job I went to. I’ve moved to another city and state. I’ve gone from living alone to living with other people.  I’m looking for a job, and learning to listen to myself.

A question I’m often asked is “Why did you leave Birmingham?” The short answer is that it was time for a change. It was time to escape from my comfort zone. I’ve found that to be such an incredibly humbling experience. I’ve found that you can change your address, but the demons away from which you run always know your forwarding address. I love Birmingham, and suppose I always will. I don’t know if I have moved permanently or just for this season of my life. I spent 18 years in Birmingham, and that is the majority of my adult life. That of which I am certain is that I know that after lots of contemplation, personal journaling and prayer, that where I am today is exactly where I need to be on this Journey.   Going back to Birmingham at this juncture would be one of the greatest disservices I could do to myself. I do not know why I am in Nashville. That part has not been revealed to me. It is my faith that is keeping me strong. It is my network of friends both near and far who lift me up. It is my own courage that keeps me grounded. It is a courage that as author Mary Anne Radmacher says “doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”  Leaving my comfort zone is one of the most essential elements of my Journey. It is also one of the most painful.

I’ve been lost and searching for a long time, even before leaving Birmingham.  There is mental clutter that is blinding me. There are lots of “things” in my life that keep me from living to my full potential.  Over the last year I have eliminated so much physical clutter in my life. I have purged so many things. My goal is to simplify my life. For Lent last year I gave up clutter. And I purged, and I purged, and I purged a little bit more. Then it came time for me to move. And I purged, and I purged, and I purged a little more.  And still I purge. Yet, it seems that the more I eliminate, the more I acquire. I have become such a fan of Marie Kondo, who wrote the incredible books “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and “Spark Joy”.  In short, she says to only keep those things that spark joy. Ignore sentimentality, store things in a certain way. And while some of my friends have looked at me like I have completely lost my mind, still I work diligently eliminating clutter, searching for peace and making my living space a place that sparks joy. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of effort. And so I continue to work diligently to spark joy in my life.

I think my greatest accomplishment to date has been being a church pianist. I am being honest with everyone and myself when I admit that I am far from perfect as a musician. Giving up my position as a church pianist in Birmingham was the most agonizing decisions of my move. Finding a pianist position in Nashville has not been forthcoming, but I’ve also realized that it is a time for me to be ministered to in the pew. I’m fortunate that my childhood dream has been realized, having been a pianist. And I hope one day to return to that role somewhere.

I’ve met some amazing people on this Journey in Nashville. One of the first people I met was Kevin, who is the best friend of one of my roommates.  Kevin is, among many other amazing things, a singer/songwriter. One truth I’ve learned in my Journey is in a song lyric written by Kevin: “Sometimes you gotta wave ‘goodbye’ to say ‘hello’, you gotta say ‘yes’ to say ‘no’.” And, so it is with my life. And so on the journey continues, this is my story, this is my song...