I was asked to
examine what I was like at 20 and compare it to how I am today on the verge of
my 40th birthday. At
first that seems like a really great topic—and it is—I just didn’t realize how
incredibly difficult it would be to answer. I’m not even sure I know where to begin.
As I scroll back in
the recesses of my memory back to the year 1993 and try to see myself through
my mind’s eye, I see a young man who had just completed his freshman year of
college. I spent the summer
working my second summer at Taco Bell and working as an interim minister of
music at a local Baptist church.
In 1993, as I
turned 20, I was perhaps incredibly naïve and was struggling to understand and
accept my sexual orientation.
One thing that is strikingly different today than then is that I recall
writing long handwritten letters to my friends over the summer. Running to the mailbox to see who had
responded was often the highlight of the day! Those are rare today, and a trip to the mailbox usually
yields bills, not friendly letters.
My musical tastes
then were completely Contemporary Christian. Michael English, Point of Grace and 4HIM were probably my
favorite artists at the time.
Shortly after my birthday I was fully introduced to what would become
one of my all-time favorite groups, TRUTH. It was the music of these artists and others like them
that, ironically, spoke to my heart and helped me accept myself.
1993 found me as a
scared and confused young adult.
At the time I was a Music Education major, and my plan was to be
teaching Music and French at my alma mater in Tennessee. I would have never
thought of venturing outside the Southern Baptist Church, in fact, I imagined in
addition to working as a teacher, I would be a pianist or choir director for a
church. I was silently dealing
with same sex attraction, and had only a couple of people I could, at that
point, confide in.
2013 finds me NOT as a schoolteacher, and not even a Southern Baptist. I am, however, a pianist and choir director for a Catholic church, and have received the
sacrament of confirmation in the Catholic Church. My sexual orientation is not something I attempt to
keep hidden, although, it isn’t necessarily something I flaunt either. It is, simply, a part, not the sum, of
who I am. I still write letters,
but nothing compared to the magnitude of the ten page hand-written manuscripts
I would produce then.
Electronic correspondence has taken over. We are more connected than we could have ever fathomed
20 short years ago. With “social
networks” such as facebook and twitter, text massages and email, we are all
generally just a few clicks or keystrokes away from anyone in the world we want
to reach. We may have to pick up a phone, but we certainly don’t have to
speak. Today my musical
tastes run the complete spectrum.
My favorite genre is Country, but I actually like something from every
genre. Although, full disclosure
here, I haven’t listened to a lot of recent Contemporary Christian. I still kick it old school back
to 90s CCM for my Jesus-music fix.
Here’s my
confession: 1993 was just 20 short
years ago…yet, it seems like a lifetime ago. The person I was in 1993 and the person I am here in
2013 has evolved into a mature and adjusted individual. While society has made much
progress in all areas of life, the progress in the understanding and acceptance
of same-sex attractions and technological advances is amazing.
If I could see “me”
from 1993, I could certainly tell myself to hold on, that it does get
better. Life doesn’t always turn
out the way we want or think or plan, but somehow, it always turns out that the
right things happen at the right time.
I’d never even been to Alabama back then. Now, rather than teaching school in my rural East Tennessee
community, I work for a company in Birmingham. The scared, dazed and confused 20 year old wondering around
trying to sort out life is now just a few weeks short of 40. And, well, there are good days
and there are bad days, there are still many moments of confusion, wondering
what he wants to be when the actually grows up, but he’s happy for the 20 years
that have passed and that have made him the man he is today. And I don’t think I would change a
single second, because every step along the way helped to create who I am
today.
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