ELIMINATING CLUTTER

Thoughts have been swirling around in this head of mine all day long. Nothing specific, just lots of little things. Maybe it is because today was my off day and I am also on the mend from a cold. I don't know. Something has seemed different today. I've felt such a need to declutter today. While I got the house de-Christmased, completed a few loads of laundy and the house is generally in order, I do still feel a need to clean out closets, eliminate the unnecessary, and free up a lot of space. Yet, on a deeper level, this need to "de-clutter" goes far deeper than cleaning out closets and tidying up the house. It delves into a need to de-clutter emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I've always been a firm believer that to have clutter surrounding is to have clutter within.

If I'm being completely honest, the last few years of my life, while they have afforded me tremendous amounts of personal growth, independence and experiences, have not come without a certain share of sadness, disappointment and a test of my strength. When I look at where I was five years ago and where I am today, it seems like a world of difference. I was less than a year into a new house with I had (perhaps) foolishly perchased with my ex, Parker, and was only a couple of weeks away from what would be our inevitible break-up. I had a decent job, a nice new house and, for all intents and purposes, was alone. Back then I was so fiercely co-dependent on Parker for everything that there were no social outlets. Looking back, we were the epitome of a dysfunctional relationship.

As time went on, I became involved in the local Men's Chorus, developed many friendshps through my involvement with that organization, and I gained a great deal of independence which I had never before experienced, or perhaps allowed myself to experience. Yet, personally, the world was crashing around me. We ended up letting the house go. Within a few months of moving out of the house, I lost the job I had held for nearly twelve years. I was fortunate to find a job as a contract employee for a bank through a staffing agency a few months after I left my previous company (and was subsequently awarded a settlement). It was one of the most rewarding times I've ever had professionally. That position lasted 20 wonderful months. I've had a few relationships along the way, but nothing long-term. Looking back, it seems like one big disappointment after another.

And so, here we are today. I have a job. That's all it is to me. I have several really wonderful friends who Iove me in spite of myself. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive and two felines who depend on me. I don't have a lot of money in the bank and I live basically paycheck to paycheck. Not exactly living the proverbial "American Dream".

Here's my confession: Sometimes I feel alone, stuck and in a quagmire out of which I'll never be able to climb. But the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful support system of friends near and far. While it isn't always the easiest path to take, I do try to look on the positive side of life, and to spead that positivity to others. I have dreams, I have independence, and I have more people than probably even know cheering for me on the sidelines. The truth of the matter is that I can't allow myself to be defined by the "junk" in the past. I have to persevere, and set forth on a trail which may or may not already be there. If the path is already there, I shall forge on. If not, I shall create a new path as I endeavor to make each new day better than the last, to eliminate a little bit more of my mind clutter each day as I make room for better days, better experiences and a better life. I'm not so certain that I would have things any other way, because every adversity that has been set before me, especially in the last five years, has created immesurable opportunities for growth in all the areas of my life that are most important, and that is a gift that is greater than any amount of money can buy.