WHEN...THEN...

Procrastination. Who among us is not guilty of this nasty word? We think "When I do this...I'll do that." How long can we do this? In perpetuality? Hopefully not. There are a lot of things I do in my life, and I think "Yeah, when I get this done, then, I'll be ready to do that." This has been on my mind a lot lately as I look over the direction of my life. When I started college a little over 20 years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. It was what I had always wanted to be---a school teacher. I realized a couple of years into my program that Music Education was not the route for me. So, I decided to complete my music degree with a Bachelor of Arts in Vocal Performance and be done with it. And, so I did. Now as I knock on the back door of 40, I ponder what I really want from life.. What will make me happy? What will keep me from playing the "When...Then" game?

It is not just in my professional life that that nasty procrastination rears its ugly head. It is in my approach to how I ive my life, and it's not always a positive thing. Yesterday, I came home from work early because I wasn't feeling well. However, knowing how my body and mind operate, I knew that I had to vacuum and tidy up the house before I would ever be able to rest. Half-way joking, but knowing that I was halfway serious, I sent a friend a text and said "I suppose if I were on my death bed, I'd want to clean the house before I could die and rest in peace." He agreed that he would be the exact same way. Sometimes, I think "I have to get my house cleaed and when I have done that, I can pay the bills." or "When I have gotten this or that or the other finished...I can begin studying for this...or practice piano or a myriad of other things." I guess that's just how my brain operates. Am I happy about it? Certainly not, but it's how I work. I have to quell the voices of negativity in my own head and allow myself to follow my bliss...

My big goal for 2013 is to go to back to school. It's time to give that goal I had as a child, that goal I had 20 years ago, a chance to come to fruition. It's time to try out being a teacher. My subject of choice is English Composition. That's an ambitious goal for a nearly 40 year man without a lot of money, without a clear direction, without a job that I even remotely enjoy. But somehow, that stirring, that nagging in my soul, has to win out. I have to give this a try. It may be someting that I enjoy beyond my imagination or it may end up being something I loathe with every fibre of my being. But the journey of a thousand steps with one single step.

Here is my confession: I believe that if I can just sit down, and find a way to still the voice in my mind, a way to relinquish doubt, to really manage my time efficienty to study for the grad school exam, I'll be well on my road. THIS has to be my year. I can't put it off any longer. I'll never know unless I try and I'll never try unless I just get up and do it. I have the support of so many wonderful friends. Some say "go for it!" Others shake their heads and go "Um, ok..." But this is about me, it's about my life and it's about following my dreams. The time is now, and the need is great. So, WHEN I get off my butt, study for the MAT, apply to school and get the financial aid I need..THEN I will be well on the path I need to follow." It will certainly take a lot of courage, prayer and juggling, but I believe in the end, I'll find my true calling. I'm excited about where this journey could take me.