10 October 2013
Dear Friend or Family Member of a Gay Person,
While I am generally not one to try to bring attention to my
sexual orientation, tomorrow is “National Coming Out Day”. If you are reading this, you likely know me
or know someone who knows me. So, let me go ahead and get this out of the
way. I am gay.
When I began planning this “Open Letters” project a few
weeks ago, I knew I would want to include a letter about sexual
orientation. It just so happens that
National Coming Out Day coincided with the timing of my series. And so, I thought “What can I write that
might make a difference?” And then it
came to me. Write a letter about what
a gay person would want a friend, family member, co-worker, etc., would want you to know. I hope
you will find this educational. Please read
this with an open heart and mind. Try to
banish your age-old, pre-conceived ideas and be open to new ideas, be ready for
a challenge to your belief system, and learn what true unconditional love is
all about.
1. THERE ISN’T
A CHOICE: This is been a hot-button item for as long as I can recall. Why are people gay? I can only speak to this
from personal experience. Never did I
ever wake up and think “Well, I think I’ll just be gay.” It doesn’t work like that. I knew I was gay long before I had a word for
it. I generally pinpoint my knowledge around age eight. I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt that I
was attracted to the boys in my class and not the girls (and trust me, there were
some really pretty girls!). It wasn’t a
choice. It’s just something that simply was.
As I went through life, those feelings became stronger. I didn’t date in high school and only a time
or two in college. I have never been
sexually active with a female. I’ve just never seen the point or need. By that point, I had a name for what I was experiencing;
I knew I was gay, although I didn’t yet have the courage to come out.
2. WE ARE NOT “AS SEEN ON TV”: I think one of the
biggest injustices to gay people is how we are portrayed in the media and on
film. We aren’t all marching scantily clad in a PRIDE parade. We don’t all dress in drag. Not all of us are overtly effeminate. Not all
of us have an impeccable sense of style and fashion. We come in all shapes, sizes and varieties just
like our heterosexual counterparts. You
might be surprised to find that your mechanic or plumber is gay, just as you
may be surprised to find that your florist or hair stylist is heterosexual. With that said, yes, there are some who fit
or play into the stereotypes of the effeminate male. However, it has been my experience that by and large most
of us try to avoid being stereotypical.
3. COMING OUT IS AN ACT OF LOVE: When your loved one comes to you and has that
much-dreaded conversation, they are coming to you because they love you, they
respect you and they have wrestled with their “secret” so long that they can no
longer live a lie anymore. Coming out is an act of love. Granted, most want and expect your immediate
love and assurance that you still love them, but they are prepared for the worst. They are afraid that if they are financially
dependent on you, that you’ll immediately throw them out and withdraw any
financial support. If we are being realistic, we realize that we have wrestled
with our sexual orientation for many years and are fairly secure when we come
out. The mistake we make is expecting
our loved ones to accept it on the spot without allowing it to soak in first. Some of us are fortunate to have families
who provide acceptance from the moment they find out. Some, however, never do. The last thing a hurting person wants to hear
at the moment of their coming out is “You weren’t raised like this”, “You’re
going to Hell” or “Let’s not ever talk about this again”…or things along
those lines. Too often, our worst
nightmare is confirmed: “Unconditional
Love” does, indeed, have conditions. Word of caution: You may have suspected your loved one is gay
long before they are comfortable enough to tell you. However, there may be cases where this news
completely catches some people completely off guard. Be prepared.
This news is likely to absolutely shock you to your core, and if you
will listen—REALLY listen—banishing all your preconceived ideas, your religious
dogmas and allow the hardness of your heart to soften, you’ll be doing yourself and your loved one
the greatest favor in the world, because together, you will experience
freedom. Also be cautioned that sometimes
your gay child chooses not to come out to you because they don’t want you to bear
the disappointment they think it will cause you. They go to their grave or allow you to go to
yours, never having opened up a dialogue, cheating both of you out of what is
most often the most important part of their lives. That, to me, is tragic. I have friends in their late 30s and 40s who
have never had that discussion with their families. What they do is live a life of hiding and
hoping that they never bump into you in a social situation. Is that really fair to anyone?
4.
AVOID GENDER STEREOTYPES: Many parents feel that if they raise their
son to play sports, make sure there are no traditionally girly things or colors
around, they are on the path to assuring a heterosexual son. You want to know the truth? Those rough-and-tumble boys you are raising
can still be gay! Allowing your son to do things that are
artistic-visual or performing arts, is no more likely to make your child gay
than making sure they are involved in every sport known to man is to assure
their heterosexuality. There are gay athletes
just as there are heterosexual musicians, dancers and artists. The notion that dressing your child in pink
is going to make him gay is ludicrous.
If you don’t believe me, say it out loud and listen to how ridiculous it
sounds: “Dressing my son in pink will
make him gay.”
5.
WE DON’T WANT SPECIAL TREATMENT: Gay Marriage, Employment
Non-Discrimination, Adoption Rights…they
are on every news website and television network every day, everywhere you turn. It gets old, I know. Even as an openly gay man, it gets old. “We’re
Right! You’re Wrong! End of story.” we hear from both sides of the issue. Old traditions die a slow death. Who wants to buck the status quo? So, it seems that all these gays just want
special treatment, special rights. Do
you really think that is the case?
Think again! All the gays really want is the same rights you already have. They want to know that they can marry (and
divorce) just like you. They want to
know that they can go to work and not be terminated simply because of their
sexual orientation. They want to be
able to provide loving, nurturing homes to children who would otherwise be a
part of “the system”. It boils down to
equality. It boils down to love. What’s so wrong with that?
Here’s my confession: I understand that there are parts of the country where gay people have it much easier, based on community tradition. A person from a more rural community is likely to have a more difficult time than a person from a more metropolitan area. The truth is that we are living in a different time and in a climate of change. Don’t be afraid to educate yourself. Don’t be afraid to love. Don’t regret turning away someone just because they are different from you. I can assure you, without any hesitation, that gay people are in every single community, every profession, and every religious denomination. You may not even know it. They bring you the news, they provide the music you love, they work on your car, they educate your children, they work in the factory that produces the food you’ll put on your table tonight. They are your children, grandchildren, family, and friends. What does that person want from you? Love. That’s it. Love.
Please know that when someone comes out to you, they are stepping out on tremendous faith. You, as a parent, sibling, or friend may be thinking "What will the rest of the family think?" "Oh, this will be such a shame for the family." I propose to you that your loved one living a lie and not being allowed to be their authetic self is the real shame. What others think about you is really none of your business. Caring for a loved one, at a time when they need the most support and love they have ever needed, that should be your priority--not what your friends, neighbors, your social club, church or community is going to think.
I'm not speaking this from some Pollyanna-esque vantage point. I speak from my personal experience. I lost a relationship with a close aunt when I came out, and severely damaged my relationship with my grandmother, until she eventually asked forgiveness shortly before she died. While I lost relationships along the way, I knew I was being true to myself, which was a promise I had always made myself. At the end of the day, that's what is most important.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is summed up in four verses from
the Holy Scriptures: “Teacher, which is
the greatest commandment in the Law?”Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God
with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the
first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor
as yourself. ‘All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”-Matthew
22:36-50 (NIV)
Think about that.
Respectively,
rkt
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