2 October 2013
Dear Great Grandma,
As the signs of
fall begin to appear, so does a resurge in my memories of you. As the temperatures began to
cool, we would talk long walks in the woods behind the “old home place.” It was quite the adventure to me, as I
always imagined that there were old, undiscovered Indian burial grounds there,
I would imagine a whole world that may or may not have ever existed. I just knew we were going to discover
something we never had, but we never did. I guess it was just old woods. When I was a child, you and I spent countless hours with one
another. I have often thought, looking back, that we were put together to
babysit one another. And, if I’m
being honest, I wouldn’t have wanted to have it any other way. We spent so much time together in those
early years of my life throughout the 1980s. What an incredible pair we were. I’ll always cherish the family history and gossip you shared
with me. You shared family
“secrets” with me that I am most certain will go to my grave with me. I’m not so sure that you ever treated
me as a child. I think you treated
me as a little adult. Perhaps that
is why people always commented to me as a teenager that I was mature for my age.
Most of my childhood was spent with elderly grandparents rather than children
my own age.
In the early part of the 1980s you lived with my grandparents in McMinn County before, in 1984, you moved back to Pine Orchard in Morgan County. Oh, the times we spent together! I still remember brushing your hair, having you baby-sit my stuffed animals, and, well, I think you got a kick out of my playing dress up all day. I’ve always wondered if you knew that I am gay, or if you were so simple that the thought never crossed your mind. Maybe it was a different day and time. But, maybe, I think you knew. I think, that, even though you were a woman of strong religious conviction, maybe you didn’t judge. Maybe you just loved me for me. The truth is, I’ll never know. Yet, if you were here today, that’s the one question I would want to ask you more than anything else.
I personally feel
very blessed that I was able to know you, my great grandmother. For a great
grandmother, you were fairly young when I was born. You had just turned 63, so we had many incredible years
together. We had experiences that were ours and ours alone. I enjoyed helping you clean house
for Christmas, watching holiday programming, and even our oft-failed attempts
to have a New Years Eve Party…as we would both fall asleep long before the ball
would drop on television in Times Square.
You left this world in the early morning hours of Friday, December 3, 1999 while sleeping. My last time to see you was at your funeral the next evening, lying peacefully at rest in your casket. Your red hair had grayed over the years. After your 89 years living among us, your journey here was complete, just a few weeks shy of seeing the new millennium arrive. Yours was not a perfect life. You had no formal education—in fact, I’m not even sure you had an education beyond the 7th or 8th grade. What you lacked in formal education, you made up for in an inner wisdom. You were active—you loved working in the vegetable and flower gardens, which in the summer is most often where I would find you when I would awaken. I often think of you especially on Sunday afternoons, thinking how great it would be to taste some of your good home cooking again.
Here’s my
Confession: I don’t really recall the last time I saw you alive in person. It may have been the summer of
1996. I never saw you after you
moved off to the nursing home.
Yet, after I moved to Birmingham, you and I did exchange a couple of
letters. In those letters, I
believe that somehow, you thought other family members and I were with you, in
person, although I knew clearly that neither I nor the ones you thought had
been there really were. Somehow, maybe selfishly, it brought me solace to know
you thought I was visiting you, even if only in your mind. I know that you loved me with your
entire being. We were, as best we could be, one another’s confidants. I believe you knew me
deeply with an unconditional love.
I believe that you turned a blind eye to the things about me which you
didn’t fully understand. I
also believe that somewhere out there, you’re still with me in spirit, and I
hope that the live I live today is one that makes you smile when you look down.
Love,
rkt
Love,
rkt
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